Jul 27, 2012

A Homecoming of Sorts

"I never tried to give my life meaning by demeaning you, and I would like to state for the record, I DID EVERYTHING THAT I COULD DO..."

Looking back at this past months, I could not help but laugh out loud at how tragic my experiences have been it's been quite comedic. It has probably been the most traumatic and drama-filled month of my life, a life marked my endless pain and sacrifice that can probably be transformed into a script for the next The Bold and The Beautiful series. I have had a lot of challenges, a lot of things thrown to me, a series of betrayals and definitely a whole lot of wars---none of which were waged by me---even if they did appear to be  so, but I always wave the white flag first because I have too much going on to cling to bad things.

Issues never stopped pouring in- gossip, rumors, lies and things that were just downright crazy were invented. I once said that rumors would only bother me if I believe for a second, that people took rumors seriously. I didn't and do not still but at times, I guess being human, it pains me to realize that people can come up with the most degrading and mean things that aren't even real in the first place. From being called the Queen of Superficiality, to anorexic and to the point of having my sickness and my medications made into a mockery- by people I used to consider my friends, who have set out some personal vendetta against me, all that was too much to bear.  I'm too much of an introvert living in my own private universe to care about other people's business but when negative feedback is said about me and especially my family and loved ones, I get affected--- I'm not made of stone and I guess that my eternal exposure to emotional people (case in point: all the women in my family) has transformed me into one. Which is why, I know that I cannot act numb to other people- I can never be indifferent or adamant especially to those who have wronged me --- that's just not me.

More so, I am never the type of girl who invents nasty things to strike back at those who lie about me. I may be aloof, socially awkward and it may take time for me to warm up to people, which some people mistake for bitchiness, and while I am probably the most honest, critical and judgmental person you will know (which make people scared to approach me), BUT I am never fake... And I don't play games.

Everything happened so quickly that my head was constantly spinning, and I was aware---most of the time. All of us have flaws. All of us have bad days. All of us make mistakes. And if you're Catholic, all of us commit sins. We're flawed at the genetic level---it's what makes us human. But when your every move is watched, your flaws are magnified the same way a jeweler's eyeglass reveals the white specks in a flawed diamond. When your every move is watched, your flaws are magnified and shown to everyone as a warning of how NOT to be and as entertainment, instead of what they really are- just proof that you're like everybody else.'

I have lost a whole lot of network of people this year and voluntarily deleted close ties to certain people who have disappointed me in some way or have hurt me. The thing about being too open to people is that you never actually get to filter out who you let in your private universe. I have let a lot of good people in my life this year but I also let in some bad ones who have used everything I said in pure honesty and confidentiality against me.

One thing I learned is that being friends with user-friendly people is a no-no, as much as you try to forgive and as much as it feels good to be needed- they just don't work out since one party is always bitter about something or has an ulterior motive to destroy even if the other is genuine. I never faked friendships, and I never competed with my friends and loved ones. I can be shallow and impersonal at times but then that's just my facade, a mask I wear to shun people out. The lessons I have gained these months were a handful that I do not even know where to begin.

Having had such close proximity to the possibility of death and dying makes you realize what and who you value. Time is precious and the people you give this time to should be carefully selected.  Mine is a situation that I had been unfairly placed in, to the outside and material world I may seem privileged and abundant in graces yet in the inner core, in the world that consists of what is real and true and what matters most, I am deprived of so much. It is easy to say that my life is easy when you look at it from your perspective. It's easy to say that money, fame, popularity, being called an it-girl is what matters most and that THAT is the measure of one's bliss but then you grow up and realize that it's the simple things that matter most- love, family, companionship, relationships, trust, TIME. I can now say that I am where I always wanted to be...I am just wondering where I am going next.

With me, it's always about hatred and rage rather than sadness and grief. More about revenge and getting back at someone rather than just bearing the pain silently. I have said my piece and I hope that hate, bashing and email-ing would stop. I want to live my life from a new perspective this time... This goes to explain my post on Ten Things To Remember and Live By When Your Feelings Have Been Trampled On 
As I said, I'd like to still see the best in people.... and hopefully that settles things once and for all.

Now on to the outfit post....

(Top: Topshop | Shorts: Glitterati x Only the Marvelous | Shoes and Bag: Topshop | Shades: H&M)
Accessories: Forever21

A Closer Look...


No comments :

Post a Comment

I would love to hear what you have to say.
So, send in your love.