Aug 16, 2014

Of Betrayal and Backstabbing: The Ebb and Flow of Lies, Fake Friends and Walking Away

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It’s always our self we find in the sea.  

E.E. Cummings

Last week, I had the chance to be in a tropical backdrop and welcomed the familiar sensation that always came from being at the beach. I probably sound like a broken record already on how much I love being in this kind of environment. But that is just me... when I like something, I like something and I will not stop talking about it. The same applies when I establish relationships and friendships with people- I only have a limited amount of myself to give- so I choose who I give my attention to "very carefully". I had no itinerary or set schedule on what to do so I had the chance to explore Punta Fuego. Normally, I would prefer to go to the beach with friends but it was a weekday and well, everyone else was kind of busy so it was just me. I took the time to take advantage of being alone to shoot some pieces I brought with me and so far, this maxi dress is a favorite of mine because I love the color, the draping and the slit which you can pull up or pull down... depending on the exposure you want. Now, I always have a "no heels, no wedge" policy when it comes to the beach but for this dress, I knew I just had to make an exception. Besides, it was not like anyone was there to tell me not to don these sky high wedges as I was alone... on hindsight though, now that I am posting it for the world to see, it doesn't make sense... but well, it seemed like a bright idea at that time.

I once heard of this saying that goes, "To go out with the setting sun on an empty beach is to truly embrace your solitude," and that pretty sums up this outfit and what it is all about. I shot it at twilight, just around the time before the sun was to set and night fall was to settle in. The beach was empty and in that moment, when I was supposed to feel so alone, I actually felt the exact opposite. I truly believe that in the beach, one can live in pure bliss. The weather was perfect for that day. No storms. It was all blue skies and the right amount of wind in every way. It was quite a hard time to peel myself out of this reverie and return to normal life in the city. The cure for anything, as they say is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea...and I have to agree with that, Looking at the vastness of the ocean makes me realize how ultimately small I am and it humbled me and I have to say, I was able to be thankful for all the things and people in my life. These may have been significantly cut down but I find this is only natural as we age. I think as time passes by, I have come to realize what I am worth- and I will not tolerate people who do not deserve who I am. This lesson, of course, was something I learned, all too little, too late but I do not regret it. Experience makes you stronger and tougher.

Royal Blue Grecian Draped Dress: Before Twelve
Black Woven Hat: Zara (Also worn HERE)
Blue Woven Heel Wedged Shoes: Topshop (Also worn HERE)
Gold Chain Belt: Versace
Tribal Beaded Turquoise Miniaudiere Clutch: Emilio Pucci

Photos by: Celyn Jaravata


As of now, I am going through a battle where I am going to court as I have had to sue one of my former supposed close friend for physically assaulting me. It is all so painful and embarrassing to rehash, really but I think my defense mechanisms kicked in and I stopped being hurt and channeled it all to anger, instead. I do not, after all, want to self destruct. We all hear about how friendships end because one stabbed the other at the back, one betrayed the other, revealed sensitive information to other people or the most ideal case, that they just had a falling out as their interests and lives no longer had anything in common. I am not immune to friendships ending this way. I think it is just the natural process. Growing up also means growing apart from people. However, I never thought that I would actually end a friendship (if you could call it that) because someone physically assaulted and harmed me. That- I think- is not really a common situation that happens to people... I mean, I've questioned myself so many times about it- actually- and I just could not believe that I ever associated myself with someone who would be capable of behaving in such a manner. It's shocking really. I mean this isn't the Jersey Shore where girls beat the hell out of each other over a tiff... that is entertaining, sure, but it is also very tasteless. Friends don't do that to friends. Actually to be more precise, normal people don't do that to other people. Physical violence is simply never acceptable. I know it may be blamed on lack of education or breeding but then again I have met people who neither have had education or breeding who know what is right and what is wrong... and these people are not rabid and violent people even if their environment demands them to be. Obviously, it is simply not acceptable...whoever does it. That incident, when it happened to me was so alarming... I mean, how can a girl who I have known for four years simply hurt me (this was not the first time by the way) and have absolutely no remorse about it? It is absolutely absurd but I have to face the brutal truth: that some people parade themselves as nice people when deep down, it's all just a facade and they are actually pure evil on the inside. Forgive me for my bluntness but I know I am not the nicest person in the world and I never pretended to be and I prefer letting the world know I have moods and sometimes I can be very mean and sarcastic... I mean, I don't deny it. I am usually proud to take on the role of HBIC. Everyone knows this and my very close friends are witnesses to how I am... I do not sugarcoat things but I think it's nice that they love me just the same. However, calling someone out on their BS is very very different from physical violence and I prefer to use my brain and whiplash tongue than my elbows...thank you very much. 

 I am forever thankful for my past... the people who changed my point of view, my world and ultimately my destiny. It definitely does not rest on any one person but there are relationships that shaped my ideals and  friendships that propelled me far beyond my thoughts. I will not, and can not ever imagine myself to be thankful for a bottom-feeding brutal person who resorts to violent means to make her point come across. And since I have my paws and claws out already, allow me to express that I also find absolutely no reason to celebrate another year of life wasted on a human being who behaves in such a despicable way. Expect no name day salutations from me. We are after all, past the stage where we are cave men who grunt and knock over things to convey something, and we have language as a tool we can use... and the presence of this makes hitting someone, knocking someone over or elbowing a person to express how we feel about them- crazy and more importantly, against the law. On that note, I am going back to court this Monday to have some kind of "mediation" to try to resolve this matter of what was done to me... As far as I am concerned, what is necessary for the girl we all know hurt me isn't mediation but perhaps medication and a high dosage at that so she could control her impulse and have at least an ounce of self-reflection and insight before acting out like a toddler. Although losing a close friend is always difficult, letting go of this person was never a tough decision for me and you all know why. I have always lived my life with the notion that friendships must be mutually beneficial and when the balance tips too far on one side, it is no longer gratifying. I have been told that I have given up on friendships too easily, that I am supposed to work to keep the friendship together even when things get hard. This may be true but I have found there is a difference between fighting and letting them beat you (and I mean this in the metaphorical and literal way). If they are determined in their conviction, you will not change their mind and perhaps they need to be convicted by the law. So when the war is near its end and their loss is inevitable, I think it might be better to walk away than be wounded by the final shots. 

xx, JL

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