Jan 10, 2014

Your Surrender

Tri-tone Animal Print with Red Sleeves Knit Top: Anne Taylor | Denim Skinny Jeans: Zara | Jacquard Coral Blazer: Zara | Coquelicot Luggage Bag: Celine | Cateye Sunglasses: Mango | Rockstud Gladiator Strappy Kitten Heel Shoes: Valentino | Swarovski Mosaic Marbled Watch: Swarovski | Ruby Teardrop Earrings with Diamonds: My Collection | Bracelets: Therapy

A new year almost always comes with new year's resolutions. One of mine is to share with you all and post blogs often- because last year, I had so much backlog that I couldn't even deal or keep up with my posts. So that's something I need to work on. The things about resolutions is we need to actually also "resolve" things from the year that has passed. We need to remember that we actually need to come up with solutions to whatever we leave behind from the past... so that we can really let go and move on. On this day, for example, I made the courageous move to find a solution to my health issues particularly my heart problem by going to the hospital for the 3rd time for a drug/medication tolerance/allergy test. The procedure is they inject me with the medication and wait for 3-5 hours to see if my body reacts to the medicine. Obviously this is the 3rd try which means the first two trials failed... which was a letdown because all I really want is to find something that would solve my troubles because it doesn't feel good at all to have a high blood pressure and heart rate all the time. I won't lie and say going in for the tests don't freak me out... it is scary... it's like playing Russian roulette with my life but I have a problem that bothers me... and I need to be brave enough to find a solution... no matter how traumatic or scary it is. So I set my fear aside, dressed up in an animal print ensemble (cue in Katy Perry's Song: "Because I am a champion...and you're going to hear me ROAR!") I have to admit when I am nervous I tend to bring it out on my ensemble and while this outfit is a bit too dressed up for another hospital visit... I figured, the best way to deal with traumatic situations is dress up and look like you're not afraid. I mean, if I am going to be out under, might as well do it in style. Right? Besides, pretty clothes always make me happy.

Part of a frantic lifestyle is that I start to get my identity through the problems I face and begin to place my focus on my problems. The ugly scapegoating that ultimately makes us weak people is the problem, not the solution. Now I am not trying to sell myself short. I know that being able to balance so much in my life and do too much is that I have developed the talent of being great with problems. I can tackle problems that no faint heart (let's not forget, I do have a weak one) would even look at. If the truth be known, I love problems. I thrive in chaos... it tests my character and integrity. I shine when there are problems and here's a confession: I love the adrenaline rush that comes in when faced with a big one. I have gotten quite the reputation for dealing with problems, I have come to identify with problems.  

But what about the solution? The solutions, I have to admit, are often not nearly as exciting as the problems. Solutions usually require a slowing down, a reconsidering, a compromise, a reconciliation and a slow moving ahead. We run the risk of being bored with solutions. But ultimately, it is necessary. My boyfriend shared to me how in his past relationship, he experienced how ultimately not letting go of certain problems and issues (those dating from months ago, years ago and dating back to before actually meeting his partner) can be so toxic. Nothing was ever resolved, everything was just swept under the rug and it becomes more toxic as they get brought up over and over again. When you're in a place like that, where you are nagged and when someone is getting on you for every single thing you do or did, you've no choice but to get out. Subconsciously, he told me that he realized thay too. I realized, I do not want to be in that kind of relationship probably because 1. It's just not me to bring up unrelated topics and issues into a current argument and 2. I have this problem where I live for the present and have absolutely no memory of the last argument. Once something is solved, it's solved and I forget about it. We cannot get into situations and always cause sparks. When we focus on the solutions and and don't get our identity from the problems, we may discover that our lives become a lot healthier, fortifying and stable... even if it's a bit less exciting. And the thing is: I've done the roller coaster, I've done the merry-go-round... I just want to stand still and someone to stand still with me.

xx, JL

No comments :

Post a Comment

I would love to hear what you have to say.
So, send in your love.