Nov 21, 2013

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

“I just hope I don't become so blissful I become boring. I think I'll always be neurotic enough to do something weird.”

Tartan Men's Button Down Shirt: Zara Man | Mesh and Jersey Leotard: Glitterati | Studded Combat Boots: Zara | Eye Glasses: Tom Ford

 Load up on guns, bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no, I know a dirty word
 With the lights out, it's less dangerous
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us

I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end

On Having A Little Fun: Here's the thing... my tendency to always strive for something more, to achieve something more and to be more than I can potentially be has always been a struggle. I was venting out about how I never really just let things be... There's always something I am working at- a goal I need to reach and once I've reached it, it seems to be not enough and again the cycle continues. I was discussing my options earlier with someone who probably see things in me that I often tend to overlook (aka. one of my mirrors) and this person suggested that I let loose. He made me realize that life doesn't always have to be in perfect order and sometimes, it helps to just be... a useful piece of advice, and perhaps something I could work here it goes...

I'm trying something new. I'm letting my hair loose and instead of the traditional outfit post, I tried something a bit more risque this time, and well, I had a blast doing it. It was fun to act like a fool and try to be creative and less stiff... granted I probably would still revert back to my neurotic self (26 years of being how I am isn't going to change overnight) but give me credit. This is something totally not "me" all glam-ed up, fierce and fabulous. I went onto the edgier side and went all punk rock grunge and what better way to represent that than to pay tribute to the '90s, where plaid was cool, 90210 became more than just a zip code and when rock music was somewhat considered a soul-scarred catharsis. If any single group embodied what 1990's music was all about, it was Nirvana. You see, when they entered the music scene, all bets were off and '90s rock became more vital, more jaded and perhaps more reflective of the emotions and concerns held by the emerging generation of hood rats reaching adulthood aptly labeled Generation X, a far cry from the baby boomer quality and shallow hair metal. Nirvana created a completely different genre called "grunge" and they made it look so effortless... and while the legion of flannel-wearing, distortion pedal stompers made sense to those seeking thoughtful musings and moshpit soundtracks, few bands could articulate inarticulately so well in a manner that rocked so hard as Nirvana. I know that most people think I listen to pop-glam music but a random thing about me is that my taste in music seems to have drastic shifts (and I am rarely one to admit to my secret love affair for punk rock) but in this case I am making an exception and as a tribute to that, I took my friend's advice and gave in to chaos and what better way to do it than in a baggy flannel shirt and combat boots which are ultimately, as stated, fashion pieces that are representative of the "anti-JL."

I must admit, it is always fun when someone makes a complete fool of themselves and have the ability to just laugh it off. The thought of me all grunged up (in combat boots nonetheless) was such an intriguing possibility and it painted quite a great mental image, I just could not resist trying it out.

Uncharted territories indeed. But in the process of this temporary reinvention, I discovered that joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. The jaded and disillusioned mind would probably be rolling their eyes now and say, "Right... How good things are...", see I know this because I used to be one of them, The thing is for a pessimist, I am pretty optimistic (a borrowed line from another favorite song) and I have come to realize the power of one simple phrase that has become very important to me. It is, "I'm quite happy."  You see, the phrase has a life of its own in my life. I do not write to critique or to express my cynical views on society, there are too many struggling writers doing that already. My main purpose is to share to you a few realizations and thoughts, which despite my circumstances, keep me going on. Am I not just a ray of fucking sunshine? Realizing that I really am quite happy... A strange phenomenon occurs at these times. I have discovered that in everything I do, even doing something as mundane as watching television, reading the news or sleeping in a chair in the hospital, thinking that "I'm quite happy" is such a powerful thing to say and just admitting the joy and happiness seems to only engender more. I've come to discover that when the words actually form and worlds collide with them, I am even happier. Flannel shirt...leotards...combat boots and all. 

There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. There are a lot of things you wish you would have done... things you could do... things you don't have to complain about not doing... what are you waiting for? Get out and do it... life's too short and true to the words of Mr. Cobain, "it's always better to burn out...than to fade away."
xx, JL

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