Nov 22, 2013

Even Angels Have Their Wicked Schemes and You Take That To New Extremes

“You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or new acquaintance- You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings,ignores your boundaries, and "continues" to treat you in a harmful way, they have to go.” 
 - Daniella Koepke 


Camouflage Vest with Army Badges: Style Hub | Chiffon Tank Top: Zara | Leather Sportswear Inspired Shorts: Glitterati  | Harness Gladiator Thigh High Sandals: Haus Von Lila | Woven Leather Bag: Cole Haan | Stacked Hamsa Beaded Bracelets: Therapy

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s all right because I love the way you lie

Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you’ll always win
Even when I’m right
‘Cause you feed me fables from your hand
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

 I find that whenever I dress army chic, I always have something to say or fight for. It's almost like an instinct and I do it subconsciously. Based on my rather expansive military inspired looks, one can perhaps surmise that I am defensive and despite the negative connotation that is connected to that, I find it is so much more better than to be offensive, as some people who lack a certain dash of sensitivity tend to be. I can't help it. I am quite one tough chick and while I am not one to impose martial law for one absolute truth I believe, I know that I am a fighter and that I will continue to fight for what is right and what is just.

I am always the first one to admit to my mistakes, my flaws and the things I simply lack. Maybe there is a certain wisdom that comes with realizing that you are not perfect and that THAT'S OKAY. I refuse to be self-righteous and pretend to be such a martyr. I realized, playing the victim card was just never a role I was born to portray. I don't want to be the ultimate protagonist who can do nothing wrong and who is always right... I reckon most would see myself more fit to play to role of the villain, with character flaws but perhaps in total control of herself, and that is the price I learned that you have to pay for being real and lacking a filter. I am the first one to admit that I have realized: I am beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my  flaws. Altogether, I am a beautiful disaster. I wasn't born to be perfect, I live to be real and until you've been broken, you don't know what you're made of. That is why I always have emphasized that broken people are dangerous...they know they can survive. Knowing this makes me possess a certain power over myself and over other people because I have no more secrets to tell. Sometimes, all it takes is a good fall to really know where you stand.

I think people who like to portray themselves as someone they are not are insecure, bitter and ultimately will never be happy.  Pretending can never give you peace of mind. Life is too short and precious to waste it on falseness and pretenses.You see, many of us have crossed over the line to compulsive, addictive, self-defeating behavior and ultimately that is just destruction waiting to happen. My purpose for doing what I do and sharing what I have learned is just because I am happy to share my thoughts to anyone who might find them useful. I know that there are many of us who go through life never realizing who we are. Life does not have to be that way. My ramblings are not meant to tell you what to do, they do not tell you how you should be, and they are not answers.  
(I leave that part for writers who have strong opinions about things who think there is one absolute concept that everyone has to subscribe to). 
What I do and how I act are intended to stir up some feelings, get you thinking and precipitate possibilities for change that might perhaps add to the quality of your life, if ever you need it. My thoughts on things are not a directive but rather an open door to possibilities. 
Make of them what you will. 

Gail Sheehy once said that, "Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation." I look around and realize that there are so much rigidity amongst the people in these times. We form an opinion and that's that. Part of the crazy thinking we have learned to develop is that we will be safe if we can just get people to have everything in order, everything in place and keep it that way. Much of our energy is spent trying to contribute to the calcification of our lives and our worldviews. Unfortunately what people who are close minded do not realize is that calcified beings are brittle and shatter easily. When we become close minded and rigid about everything, we lose touch with the process of life and place ourselves outside the stream of life... in other words, we die. I remember someone telling me that people who think they are always right, who are not open to change and who form opinions and calcify them are people who have ultimately stopped learning, stopped listening, stopped looking around and asking questions. Rigid is not stable, it's just brittle.

It comes without saying that the by-product of such is progressively losing touch with one's humanness. To lose the ability to reconnect with one's compassionate self is ruthlessness. Many writers think they can justify ruthlessness for the sake of their work because that is what their work demands of them. No one can justify ruthlessness! People who to try to boss themselves always want, however kindly, to boss other people. It's all about control. I find that these people always think they know best and are so stern, firm and righteous that they are resolute about it. Unfortunately, control is costly especially when it is done when one is out of place. In trying to achieve the illusion of control, they are destructive ti themselves and more so, to others. This is not meant to condemn, but rather to open your eyes. 

I do believe some really do mean well, and while we all want to believe we have good intentions, most have strings attached.

xx, JL

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