Dec 16, 2013

No more counting dollars...we'll be counting stars...

Candy Colored Striped Strapless Dress: Apartment 8 | Leather Wedged Pumps: Glaze | Bow: Forever 21 | Bracelet: Cultus Chi Chi | Crocodile Skin Mini Pouch: Tommy Hilfiger | One Strand South Sea Pearl Necklace: Mikimoto

I am, in so many ways, still a child. Someone once told me that there was a big difference between being child-like vs. being childish, and that perhaps the ability to see life and things as they unravel, as if through the eyes of a child is not such a bad thing. I was taught child-like was not always such a bad thing... acting childlishly  was. So I guess that explains why I like to dress up playfully, definitely in a younger way than my age (I am turning 27!!!) dictates. Somehow people say I can pull it off, take this ensemble for example which is probably made for a teenager... but for which i received so many rave reviews for when I wore it. People don't know how I could probably pull off such a dainty and almost doll-like look. I am a chameleon: I can be all sophisticated and formal then playfully fun and feminine the next. The poles I operate on are on such complete opposite sides... and I guess in so many ways that reflects my personality... No I am not bipolar. But I do think I have learned the ability to act according to the circumstances and the environment around me. I've accepted I almost always stand out (thanks to therapy) but I do make the effort not to blend in but rather to be appropriate given the situation... which unfortunately I suck at so badly. However, I do know how not to be a difficult person to be around. I try as much as possible to make people comfortable... I do not condescend and with the wide eyed child-like innocence, I try to believe in the good in people... even if experience and circumstance has tried to dissuade me so many times. I definitely do know how to have fun, that I can guarantee and this dress, in all its tart candy-inspired goodness can be a testament to that.

I once found myself in a local watering hole called Cable Car on one of those random weeknights out (yes to those of you who do not know, I am a weekday warrior and I refuse to go out on weekends as I reserve that for the bridge and tunnel people) where me and my friends were probably the only people there who paid their taxes. I was single back then and granted the place was meant to cater to the younger group set (part of the attraction was there were over 20 tables where people can play the dirtiest drinking game ever also known as BEER PONG), I realized I needed a break from cheese and wine and go with the flow, and so I went and volunteered to be my group's fish. I was by the bar when a good-looking boy (child) approached me and asked to buy me a drink. If you know me, I stand firmly by the following on nights out: 1. I don't have strangers buy me drinks because I can pay for my own, thank you very much, and 2. I don't believe that meeting someone in a bar is the way I want to begin a relationship. When I told him, I was as a matter of fact, 26 and refused his offer, he was quite shocked. Probably because I act like I am 22 (yes, Taylor Swift, I am referring to your song) and also, because I had fun like I didn't have 5 meetings the next day, 3 of which I have to preside in. Also, it was because I chose to live my life in a compartmentalized way that I know when to have fun and when to be all serious and responsible. Granted I refused to conform to all the societal dictates of being "an adult", that is probably my secret to my youthful glow (and no amount of Botox can do that). I am turning 27 and I have never been close to being actually married or thinking of tying the knot. While I do see a lot of my friends settling down and despite the fact that I am very very happy for them... I personally think I need more time. I never had a corporate job, because of my physical limitations and also because I am too dominant as a person, I probably cannot take orders from anyone else and so I decided to be my own boss, instead. Also, I do not drive. This trait I think I share with almost all of my closest girlfriends as we all do not own licenses even if we own our cars. I think it was a ploy where our parents all got together and decided that we shouldn't be allowed to learn how to drive for security purposes, to avoid driving under the influence and so we belong to the set of kids who need their drivers to get out to the world. Naturally, I have been denied the pleasure of going out for joyrides or driving on a road to sentimental music on a bad day to get away from it all, but I think I will survive my ever so fruitful dependence on my driver, hey, at least I am helping someone at least in the job market. Apparently, denial and seeing the silver lining are also major points to being carefree.

I do think vodka-cranberry counts as a full meal. I believe in high heels and think wearing flats is a death sentence so I wear high heels whenever it is appropriate, even when it is not appropriate (like when walking through a construction site) and I suffer through the pain. What's the point of pretty shoes if not to use them in inappropriate places? I pick fights and answer back to haters and I never back down. If you have something to say about me or if you've done something to me, do count I will call you out on it because I have low tolerance for crappy behavior and I never developed a filtration system. Most of the time I say what I think. I do not believe in euphemisms or sugar-coating. I think being as blunt as possible may hurt but at least things are heard clearly and I hate using figures of speech like metaphors to express how I feel. If I want to say something, I will say it as technical and literal as possible. I don't think comparing it to something that is similar to it will make things better. Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, I say or do things that get me into trouble. Sometimes, I am trouble... but in the greater scheme of things, that's not the worst trait that anyone can have right?

More so, I think most people close to me know this, I try to stay away from political things. As much as possible, I avoid anything that involves those things like they were the plague. I don't whine or complain or give my opinion on public policy or the government...I prefer to find solutions and ways to help those who are oppressed. Engaging in some political debate or giving my two cents worth on something and having all those anti-nationalistic sentiments, I believe solves absolutely nothing. Shutting up and acting by saving that which can be saved is way more progressive. I vote whoever I want to vote for because I do what I want. I always almost always do what I want. I won't allow my blood to boil or my blood pressure to rise because of something a corrupt politician (seriously, do we need the distinction) did or stole. I am perpetually living in my own world because I realize having your life revolve around someone else is a meltdown waiting to happen. I also know when things are none of my business, even if people try so hard to make their business my business, I refuse. Sometimes I even don't do things I want to do just because someone so badly want me to do it. I am the first to say sorry and apologize when I am at fault. I don't have any issues on saying that I am a "sucky person." As Elizabeth Wurtzel said: "I don't make predictions about trivial matters or even about important matters, because what is the point? We will know soon enough. I do not worry about what is going to happen; I enjoy what is happening." I have learned that most things can be solved by one simple solution: realizing that most things are not my problem.

 "You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be: white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has the smallest bit of hope, or faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will come true."

Despite everything that happened to me already, I refuse to be jaded. I refuse to mature into a bitter adult. I may be very sheltered, but I have lived fully based on the many experiences I have. And even if life, on many occasions has not worked out in my favor and has been cruel to me, I refuse to be molded by these and say I grew up because I am a bitter person. After everything that happened to me, I still hope and dream and wish... on birthday cakes, first stars and shooting stars, heck, even airplanes will do. I still believe in happy endings.

xx, JL

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