Jun 18, 2013

Life In Color

I do my best
To find some kind of glow
I'm giving it some heart and soul, now
From the darkest grays
The sun bursts, clouds break
Yeah, we see that fire
From the streets of Babylon
To the road that we've been on now
The kaleidoscope claims another

Well this is life in color
 Today feels like no other
And the darkest grays
The sun bursts, clouds break
Well this is life in motion
And just when I could run this race no more
The sun bursts, clouds break
This is life in color

Dress: Forever 21 | Shoes: Tonic | Bag: Cambridge Satchel | Watch: Swatch | Cuff:  Mia Dore | Chain Bracelets: Leviathan Accessories & Extreme Finds Accessories

People too often ask me, with genuine concern, how I am. Quite more frequently now, more than ever. While I do understand their cause for concern, I usually catch them off guard especially when I am ridiculously upbeat and in quite a sunshine-y disposition. Perhaps what most people assume is that I am bothered or affected with that is happening in the more public aspect of my life. The day I wore this dress was no exception. It was at the Superb Bazaar when I chose to wear such a brightly colored eyelet halter dress which by the way I got for quite a steal (P300 marked down from Forever21 and in my size!). A number of people had approached me- friends I have not caught up with, mere acquaintances and blog readers- who were quite shocked that I was able to pull myself together- and in such vibrant colors nonetheless.

My explanation for such a bold color choice was that it is very reflective of my emotions- despite everything you are reading or seeing, I have to say quite frankly that I am in this bright and shiny place in my life, in its totality. The foremost question I hear is, "Oh My God, JL, how are you?" usually accompanied with genuine concern and a gentle tone of voice, as though quite certainly I am about to shatter into pieces. While I am quite touched with the care and interest in my psyche, and rightfully so, when the inevitable breakdown as expected does not happen and is replaced by a cheerful smile or giggle, glowing eyes and my usual high pitched, "I'm _____ (Insert either of the ff: great/marvelous/fabulous/better than ever)" reply, like reflex, the followup question is, "Why? I saw your ______ (Insert: tweet/ status/ ask.fm/ Instagram post), are you sure you're okay?" and to be honest, it is understandably so that this question arises. To everyone else, my life might seem chaotic, as you might perceive as an outsider. To the select few who see me and encounter me  on a constant basis, my life is quite the opposite... because it  really is better than ever. Why? Well because it is... granted I am one who is not an expert when it comes to hiding how I feel (as you know I am quite blatant and tongue-in-cheek and hiding my emotions is not part of the list of my endearing qualities). I think that when I am in turmoil, it will manifest physically, particularly in the way I dress and present myself to the world. The same goes when I am happy, which is why when people hear me say that I am okay and see me act that way, they accept it. 

"How?" is a question that is on occasion brought up, usually by those more affiliated with me (aka. those brave enough to prod further) and while I usually just laugh, the real reason is that I have been quite successful in compartmentalizing my life in such a way that things that happen to me in certain aspects of my life don't generally have to affect the other aspects, and more importantly, my life as a whole. I have learned to put value in the various aspects of my life, I have learned to segregate that which is important from those that are just a nuisance and those things I have to just go through and deal with. Blogging and whatever online posts, are part of that things I have to just go through and deal with aspect and while I do take it seriously (as I do with everything I commit to), the degree to which I let it affect my life is quite minimal and believe it or not, it actually has the least bearing out of all... it is not a critical aspect of my life and whatever nonsense exists in this aspect, does not determine my outlook, disposition or way of life. I take everything from this whole online, public persona facade like a grain of salt- whatever happens and whatever negative thing said about me has no bearing whatsoever in how I live and when I turn off the computer and tune out being online, I actually leave that all behind and go on with the other and more important aspects of living.

Despite everything I read, answer to and talk about online, my ability to separate myself completely from that realm has enabled me to flourish and live quite a good life. I am positive and upbeat and have quite a sunny disposition about me. I thrive in my relationships with those I work with, my real friends aka. people and of course my family. More importantly, I am able to develop and maintain a nurturing and loving relationship with someone who, in so many ways, is like me and thus accepts me for who I am. This man understands every facet of my life and loves me anyway and while I do not want to be all cheesy, I have never known completeness like being here, where I am, at this point in my life. That's as far as I will go in addressing how I am. You are free to choose to believe otherwise... why not? In the end, what matters is what I and my people know to be true.

What I am actually saying is that we each need to learn that which matters most to us guide us, and be willing to follow the guidance it gives directly and fearlessly. When we are one with ourselves and our process, then we can say we are truly whole. When we are one with ourselves, our lives, everything, seem to fall into place effortlessly. I, for one, know the feeling of effortless living. It feels great. And when we have the courage to finally trust ourselves to control what we let affect us, life begins to unfold itself.

What are you waiting for?

xx, JL

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