Dec 15, 2014

Made To Love

You haven't seen strength until you witness a woman who continues on after being hurt, smiles after being hurt and still remains hopeful even though at times it hurts. You almost can't tell that she's in pain because the way she wears her smile from day to day is symbolic of the strength that only lives within a Queen. You have not seen real strength until you've seen her.

I don't know what it is but I somehow find it odd that I love being decked out in gowns and long dresses... almost like I was born in the wrong era. To be quite frank, I love wearing fancy formal dresses more than I love wearing normal "everyday" clothes which somehow gives me validation that I was indeed probably born in the wrong time period. Now, as I have high respect for situational dressing, as much as I love gowns... it would be quite inappropriate to wear them while running errands, going to work and on a daily basis. That would just be off. However, there are formal occasions that beg for long dresses, pomp and circumstance... one of said occasions include a wedding... which hopefully by now, you are well oriented enough to know how much I love attending them.

If it's love and if it's commitment- I think that deserves celebration and I am one of those people who actually love celebrating those things. So, I decided to dress up to the nines and also, look fabulous... (Thanks to my Glam Squad for this one!) Every wedding I attend is important to me since I have a very high respect for two people declaring to love each other and to remain loyal to each other through the best and worst of times... that's not exactly something I see frequently anymore (based on personal experience) and I think most of you would agree. So on a beautiful Sunday, I attended the wonderful wedding of my good friends, Edu and Krystel as a witness to the bond they were entering. It was beautiful.

I have a knack for dressing in theme because I don't want to be that one wedding guest in a bright and loud color when the theme was neutral and muted tones. That automatically puts me in the spot as "Best Wedding Guest Ever," since I always inquire what the theme is so I can be appropriate... a way to show my respect to the bride and groom. Now that has been something that worked out for me most of the time and I say that because on one wedding of my friend, I asked her regarding the theme of the which she responded was about fall/autumn colors. I immediately made a run through of fall colors and I narrowed the colors down to: midnight blue, purple, forest green, gray and burgundy. You see, I have- believe it or not- one closet strictly allocated for gowns and formal wear...and my collection of gowns no longer fit in them as I have so much that I also dedicated one rack in my walk in closet (room) strictly for formal wear. So it was safe to say I have a lot of choices but on that particular wedding, I was feeling burgundy red (just because) and as it was a fall color I found that it was fitting to wear. To my disbelief, upon arriving the church a few minutes late, people were looking at me and signaling for me to go inside the church and in front... I declined and didn't understand why that was necessary until I saw the wedding entourage in their procession out of the church and apparently my design for my gown, the color, the lace fabric used and even the mesh fabric for the skirt area... was actually the exact same for the bridesmaids and maid of honor and then it kind of clicked that people were assuming I was a part of the wedding entourage who came in late. It was of course, hilarious now that I look back at it but I was quite appalled at first. Later, when I saw the bride, my friend, and offered my best wishes...she laughed and asked me if I got my fabric from this certain fabric store as it was the exact place she apparently sourced her materials...and as it turns out, I actually did. Since that incident, I have become more specific when it came to my inquiries that I actually had to send a photo to one of my friends who was actually part of the entourage to ask if my gown was "safe" to wear to the wedding... she said yes and that was a relief as I really have been wanting this fully beaded lace gown which I discovered in my closet with no recollection of how it got there.

Most of the people I know are getting married, having babies or coupling up while I am too concerned in finding the piece of jewelry that would match my outfit perfectly. My mom jokingly told me one time that granted my serial monogamous ways, she was quite shocked I was taking so much time being single. She told me that it was as if everyone played musical chairs and I was the one girl who didn't run fast enough to get a chair and had to be disqualified from the game. I found the metaphor funny but also sad.. I did at some point question the decisions I was making at this age but eventually, I realized that I am just really tired and as of the moment, I can't afford another heartbreak just because I settled with the wrong person and because I wanted to settle down and be one with the herd. To be quite frank, I don't think I've met anyone who compliments my life in a way that it makes it better to not be single. I know from the get go if it isn't worth it and right now, I am in such a good place that I don't find a reason to change anything. I have come to realize that I love myself more and enough to know what I deserve and I deserve a companion who mirrors my own feelings for myself. Also, I find that I am way too valuable to be chasing after people who don't value me. After all, I am not a princess who needs her knight in shining armor for saving. I am a Queen and I have it handled. To be frank, I want something unfamiliar because I am simply so tired of what I've had. I think I deserve the very least. It is amazing... that way I was able to rise after the fall and how I was able to piece myself together after feeling broken. I think back to all the the time that I had invested in a dream sold to me by a long list of people who made me fall without any intention of catching me. It broke me, true. But somehow I managed to find peace in the pieces left behind. I felt superhuman as I was somehow able to find a way to put myself back together to form something stronger...and a bit more beautiful than before.

When I was putting myself back together again, I realized that one small crack didn't mean I was broken completely... the crack is simply evidence of that fact that I was put to the test and I didn't fall apart. After all, a Queen (which I do hope you aspire to be) is wise as she has earned her serenity not by having had it bestowed on her but by having passed her tests. She has suffered and grown more beautiful because of it. She has seen a vision not just for herself but for the things around her. She cares deeply about something bigger that herself and that us why she rules with authentic power. I find that so on point to describe where I am right now. It was when I was drowning that I found that I was able to breathe and I find it marvelous since while there may be a trace of pain in my eyes...there is strength in my smile and love in my heart...and that makes me someone who cannot be defeated. The bad things, those experiences and problems...the sticks and stones can't break you if you don't let it. I learned that by being alone. A Queen knows how to build her empire with the same stones that were thrown at her. If you are like me, you are probably at the point where you are struggling with the fact that it's time to let go... but you should also know that you are strong enough to walk away. I know it's difficult as I've been there but you have to believe in yourself and your ability to do what is needed. I know that it is easier said than me... but I held on the fact that I was created with the strength to survive anything... and that was when I realized, I got this.

Photos by: Celyn

xx, JL

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