Dec 30, 2012

A White Christmas

Nothing like a white dress to celebrate Christmas in...for a change.

Dress from Ms. Dressy

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

  Christmas is over. And that marks the culmination of the year's close. We wait to bid the year 2012 goodbye and welcome a new beginning, a new start and a new and better life in the new year. Looking back at this past year, I could not help but laugh out loud. It has probably been the most traumatic and drama-filled life, a life marked my endless pain and sacrifice that can probably transformed into a script for the next The Bold and The Beautiful series. I have had a lot of challenges, a lot of things thrown at me, a series of betrayals and definitely a whole lot of wars. Issues never stopped pouring in- gossip, rumors, lies and things that were just downright crazy were invented. I once said that rumors would only bother me if I believe for a second, that people took rumors seriously. I didn't but at times, I guess being human, it pains me to realize that people can come up with the most degrading and mean things that aren't even real in the first place.

 I'm too  ADHD (or in Domz' terms: Self-Absorbed) to care about other people's business but when negative feedback is said about me, I get affected--- I'm no rock and I guess that my eternal exposure to emotional people (case in point: all the women in my family) has transformed me into one. Which is why, I know that I cannot act numb towards other people- I can never be indifferent or adamant especially to those who have wronged--- that's just not me.  More so, I am never the type of girl who invents nasty things to strike back at those who lie about me. I may be perceived as mean and bitchy, and probably the most honest, critical and judgmental person you will know, but I am never fake. And I don't play games.

One thing I learned is that being in any relationship that is not built on trust is perpetually a no-no, they just don't work out since one party is always just trying to be someone he/she is not or has an ulterior motive to destroy even if the other is genuine. For one, even at the beginning, when one always tries to put their best foot forward, I think it is much better to lay it out in the open- your flaws, weaknesses etc.- rather than deceiving someone as being something you are not or trying to be something you are not but want to become. Trust is vital, and isn't being in a relationship, of any kind, another way of saying I entrust certain aspects of my life with the other person?  I never faked friendships, and I never competed with my friends and loved ones. I can be shallow at times but then that's just my facade, a mask I wear to shun people out. The lessons I have gained this year were a handful that I do not even know where to begin. 

Having had such close proximity to the possibility of death and dying makes you realize what and who you value. Time is precious and the people you give this time to should be carefully selected.  The priest's homily when I attended mass last Christmas day goes like this: "Love goes hand in hand with suffering. To say that you love is to say that you are accepting the pain that goes with such love. Jesus can never take away that pain and suffering, all He can do is carry it with you and share your pain and burdens." And in that, I guess I am content, at peace and ready to accept things as they have been willed to be.

I can now say that I am where I always wanted to be ...I am just wondering where I am going next. 

 2013 is going to me MY year.

xx, JL



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