May 25, 2014

How To Save A Life

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
And, they pull you under
And, I will give you anything you want
 You are all I wanted
All my dreams are fallen down
Crawling around and around and around
Somebody save me
Let your warm hands break right through it
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it, just stay, stay
  I've been waiting for you
I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And, they pull me under
I would give you anything you want, oh
You are all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawlig' around and around and around..

-Save Me, Remy Zero
People regard to me as being pragmatic but the truth is that I am also idealist and I won't deny that. Actually to be more specific I tend to pass myself off as a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. I never had a problem with that because believe it or not, stranger things have happened especially when it comes to me. I try really hard to try to get a grip and believe in the harshness of daily life but I can't help it- there is something that I cannot explain that keeps me believing that things can get better... but they have to get worst first. Perhaps it's my enduring faith, perhaps it's an over-exposure to the Bio-life channel and the good in the life stories of people feature there, perhaps it is being a Psychology major- perhaps and most probably it is all three. But I sincerely do believe that things can and do change and sometimes they can change for the better, even if against all the odds...things can change in your favor. Despite what my experiences and the exposure to people I have had in the 27 years of my life have shown me, I still believe that sometimes even people can change. Despite everything that I've gone through, been faced with and have been dealt- I still think it's possible. It is strange that I have this everlasting faith in human beings but I cannot help it...I guess in light of recent events, I would refer to myself as someone who is cautiously optimistic. That may be an unfortunate thing and my ultimate weakness but come on, I need to have something to believe in...

I am of course, however, not blind to the fact that there are also times when an emotionally taxing situation reaches a crossroads, leaving us to make a difficult, life-altering decision. When we are weathered, exhausted with a relationship that has reached past its "Best Before" date, questions will begin to arise. To my disadvantage, my idealistic faith in how I regard human beings often ends up with me being set aside, discarded or left behind. I like to believe that I live in a world where it is a part of the human condition (unless you are a sociopath) to have concern for each other. Of course, as time and experience has taught me and perhaps even in a simple room scan and when I opt to look around me, this premise is hard to believe and is indeed always on trial. I am not blind to the harsh realities of life and I am not trying to say that the world is a place where all people are treated with equal respect and kindness... saying that I do wish it was like that differs significantly in actually saying that that's how I see the world- I am after all not detached from reality. I know I do not live in a world where unicorns exist and clouds are actually cotton candy. To be quite frank, my reality is darker and perhaps as far from the Lisa Frank universe as possible. 

But for the most part, I do know people care about other people even if those are limited to a specific few. I know that I live in a place where people are able to love other people, want them to be happy and want to save them... sometimes, even from themselves. Suffice to say, all of us need help, and I have realized that it is easy to give help when that matter is concrete and specific; it is easy to help and be there when people are in need of something tangible. But it's not always as easy when people need something truly important. When people need things that are immaterial, giving them help or what they need is ultimately automatically more difficult. This probably explains why I often have a strange affinity and a greater appreciation in gifts that were well thought-off and demanded one to place a lot of effort in making rather than in an expensive one. Early on, even as a child, love was only as good as what or how much I was given which is perhaps I resent it when people give me presents that cost a lot because appreciation and love for me does not have a price tag. Years of getting what I wanted in the more tangible aspect, taught me that most of the time 'more expensive' does not equate to more love attached. The same thing applies for the developed dislike I have for grand gestures. The sad thing is that sometimes, people (myself included), just need to know for sure that they are loved and that there is hope and happiness available to them from someone. This is the plot line of the life of a poor little rich girl... when you see them, believe me, you will know that contrary to how well behaved and dressed they are, you will find that ultimately, you've probably never seem someone with so many problems.

When you love a person and when you truly love them, it is only natural to want to give them a lot... my last boyfriend even came as far as promising to give me everything he had... (cue in John Legend's melodramatic yet utterly sweet song All Of Me) which apparently in the end was a 30-minute phone call telling me he just doesn't see any future with me. But when there is an impermeable brokenness that is inside a person that you love (or claim to love- trust me, I've learned not to use that term loosely anymore), what we have to realize is that what you give them may never seem to be enough. You try and you  try and you will fail many times because as long as that person doesn't get it, as long as they don't make a choice to accept the love you give them and to know the concept of self-love...(for reasons that stem out of a life that has taught them and programmed them to think this way), they continue to be broken and will have a hard time to move past that brokenness. Surely, when you meet this person, you can automatically sense the common traits yet you choose to love them or at least try. Unfortunately and as is the usual case, the worst thing you can possibly do is leave them behind as it only reinforces the pre-programmed notions they already have accepted as their fate and reality. I am not discounting the fact that we are all humans and we are destined to be broken in some way or another. The world is full of brokenness and as hard as it is to swallow that concept- it is simply a fact of life. We do, whether intentionally or not, hurt each other so much with our words and actions and inaction... and of course we hurt ourselves. But there are some of us that learn to deal with this reality of life- we learn to fight through our brokenness (either due to pure willpower or via extraneous methods that will help)- we learn to be beautiful despite it and (better yet) become beautiful because of it and we learn somehow that despite all the difficulties that we face- to save ourselves. And hopefully, when we learned to do this against all odds, hopefully we try to save those around us.

The thing with me is that being broken myself and fighting against my brokenness and trying to thrive in spite of it, I have apparently and unfortunately become drawn to people who are broken in their own way and I tend to find their brokenness attractive- like a moth drawn to a flame. Personally saving them is optional because I don't really think I have a Jesus-complex with me nor am I trying to claim I am a superhero... I also do not have aspirations of being one... (Ahem.) Perhaps I try to love someone with every fiber of my being just so that they know how wonderful they are in every way. Perhaps I have made a fool of myself so many times just to let someone know how special and unique they are inside and out, even if the laws of society and human morality prove otherwise. Maybe, I have also emptied my emotions by hoping that they would be able to understand how genuine I am in wanting them to do better and be better than the person they presently are or the absolutely flawed person they were. It takes a lot from you... sometimes, the brokenness transfers on to you and you get tired of being too strong all the time for someone who wouldn't even be willing to exert an ounce of energy to pull through for you.  

Eventually, you will learn that you can't save anyone no matter how hard you try because they will always revert back to their old ways. The sad fact that even if all you can do is love these people, let them be and pray that they at least be present for you when you need them... even this will seem like such a task and an imposition especially to someone who is not only broken but also selfish and self-serving. You will realize that you cannot save them; and they certainly won't even bother to save you from your own brokenness... they might even add up to it, at worst. 

At the end of the day, we all just have to save ourselves.

Blazer: Zara
God Save The Queen tank: Manic Vintage
Acid Wash Skinny Jeans: Ever New
Book Clutch: 37LA
Shoes: Go Jane
Crystal Necklace: Ever New

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