Mar 11, 2014

You're The Antidote To Everything Except For Me

As women, we have a special connectedness with each other. We have been raised to be competitive with other women and to see them as enemies and competitors. I have to admit I once thought that way, until I decided the only person I have to be in competition with is myself. We have also been raised, depending on what style of household you belong to, but traditionally to see female as inferior and told that if we wanted to get ahead, we have to identify with men and either become like them or be what they wanted us to be, which personally, I find all too silly but sadly have to admit as a reality that is still prevailing. It has all been very confusing, really. Frequently, we feel alone and isolated. Then when we think we have things figured out, we discover ourselves betrayed by those we have come to trust the most. As much as life has already been hard on us, now we come to face the sad reality that inevitably there are toxic people in our lives. That, I have come to discover is among the worst things to deal with, the hardest people to let go of, but a necessary act we have to face up to do. We have to remove toxic people from our lives. Personally, I think living in itself is a challenge which is why having to live with people who suck the life out of you with constant negativity, complaints, gossip, selfishness or extreme dependency are damaging. I once was an emotional hoarder and attached too much of my feelings and experience with people I have felt and experienced them with. It is no secret that I am an introvert as I have mentioned it over and over again... and I find I only have little time and very limited energy to share of myself to other people which is why when I have decided to invest and dedicate myself to a friendship, I go all out. I may not exactly be in the running for Ms. Congeniality as I have a hard time balancing too many people and friends all at the same time but that significantly differs from being a snob as I do know I have a lot of acquaintances, common friends and people I know... but I find that I can only share and give myself fully to a maximum of 5 people at a time (again, family- not included as I am all about them!). The thing with me is, once you've earned my trust to be part of those I consider to be my core group, I am fiercely loyal. Yes, I am that friend you can call at 3 am who will show up at your door during an emotional breakdown and talk it out with you until kingdom come. I am that friend who will leave my boyfriend and cancel my date when you beckon without even having to think twice. I am that friend who gives myself so fully and wholly that my family will start to consider you as a member of the family as well. This is why, I know and have mentioned that I can only perhaps be that kind of friend, to a select few. I am happy with the few chosen ones I have decided to invest myself in now (you all know who you are...) However, as with every disappointment and rude awakening is always a part of life as a process, I find that this was always not the case, as I have been betrayed and brutally let down by some people I have trusted way too many times. Sure, there were signs but perhaps my loyalty made me too blind to recognize them. As pessimistic as this sounds, I had to learn the hard way that sometimes, the people who claim to have your back are the same people who are in the best position to stab it.

 People can betray you in many different ways and they can be toxic in many ways, shapes and forms. However, regardless of what kind of toxicity they bring to a relationship, they just have to go. For instance, one toxic person in my life always talked about herself and how bad things always continued to happen to her all the time, without considering that at that time I was hearing her out, I was going through being diagnosed with a congenital heart problem and took it against me when I said I had certain things that sucked for me too that I wanted to talk about. Another toxic person in my life was so manipulative of my time and my resources, all the while spreading lies about me to people so she can prove herself way better than I am. Then there were some who only used me to boost their popularity then abandoned me because I no longer served a purpose in their life...and then those who have even come to the point of physically harming me, not once but two times. I won't lie. It is devastating to have to let go of such people. But for my own sake and the sake of my family, I just had to tell them I did not want to hear from them again. I know what you're thinking, that is pretty cut throat of me and perhaps proof of how much of a heartless bitch I am but you see, when you only have a limited amount of energy to give to people... you want to make sure these people are truly worthy and if you are nothing but fiercely loyal and dedicated to these people, a blow like this is not something you just get over. Nellie McClung once said, "Women who set a low value on themselves make life hard for all women."  If you surround yourself with them... without a doubt, you are making life hard on yourself... and... I mean... isn't life already hard enough?

Sit down and really think about the relationships in your life. Think about how you react to those relationships. There are glaring signs you are in a toxic friendship if you just turn your head and open your eyes. Toxic people are like arsenic and it is unfortunately useless to keep people in your circle that are clearly not for you. Without a doubt, keeping them aboard will stress you out and will be the source of your downfall. A major factor in our healing has been to recognize that we are women and we seek connectedness with other women. We find ourselves reflected in their stories, and our loneliness changes to connectedness. However, you do not need everybody in your life. There are some people that you have to avoid because it is as if they have been assigned to continuously distract you from your focus and from the person you want to be. The quality of your life will always be determined by the quality of people around you and how you assess the quality of the relationships you have. Do your best to avoid people who belittle your enthusiasm, put you down or try to squash your dreams. You do not need to make room for people who cause you pain or who make you feel small. There will come a point in your life that you will get tired of trying to fix everything and everyone and trying to make everyone happy. At this point, when you decide to quit, is not giving up... it is simply realizing you don't need certain people and the crap they bring to your life. Realize this: if a certain person's presence will not add value to your life... trust me, their absence will make no difference. Beautiful things are bound to happen when you distance yourself from the negative. I should know. It is not about being is about having "respect for yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." 

I guess to relate this outfit to my post- I decided to wear all white... somehow to purge. It's all about being clean and pure and not having toxic waste attached to you and I think I am definitely at that point in my life right now. I may only have a few friends and a handful I give myself to wholly but it's just so refreshing...just like a white on white ensemble. When you wear something like this, you are more careful to lean on anything that might dirty it or stain it... every spot of imperfection and dirt will show. It take guts to pull it off and more importantly, maintain it clean the whole day, granted there are just too may distractions and external factors. But when you do manage to make it through the day unscathed and unsoiled, there's not better feeling than feeling as clean and pure as you are, at that moment.

Top: Forever21 | White Skinny Jeans: Zara | Tawny Oversized Buckle Belt: Iconoclast Line by Domz and JL | Canvas Clutch Bag: Christian Dior | Tawny Gladiator Sandals with 1" Wedge: Zara | Ring: Forever21 | Beads and Hamsa Bracelet: Therapy | Leather UK Design Watch: From the SuperSale bazaar | White Rimmed Oversized Tinted Sunglasses: Fendi

Hair Extensions from: STYLD. Hair Extensions

To end this post, allow me to touch a subject that involves how other people will react to you: There will always be people who do not like from the get go and then there will be people who will not like you after some time. Everything about you will be wrong for them: the way you look, the way you dress, the things you say, the way you talk, the things you believe in and even, the kind of music you listen to. That's a given. Everybody has to deal with that. The truth is, as I have come to discover, that it is completely up to you if you let them ruin your day or if you will learn to stand up for yourself (without having to defend yourself) and accept yourself just the way you are for no other reason than the fact that you happen to like yourself exactly the way you are. Try to be as uniquely and unapologetically YOU as much as you can and if that's not enough for them... it will certainly be more than enough for someone else. You do not have to please everyone you encounter and the truth is... you do not even have to try. 

xx, JL

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