Risk and fear- we will probably do anything to avoid them both. Where did we get the idea that it is bad to feel fear and that we cannot handle our fear? We will, for example, avoid the fear of making a choice... so we have another thing to keep us busy, or take on more work or get busy with a new thing around the house---anything. We have so much fear of facing ourselves and confronting the choices we need to make that we are often willing to wreck our lives and the lives of those around us in order not to have to make a choice. But the thing is change ends up being a real necessity is we keep on trying to do it. It's quite funny actually. Personally, for instance, I always resent it when others make decisions for me and yet I also do not want to be responsible for my choices. Now isn't that a problem that absolutely has no solution? I realized that somehow, perhaps if I can manage someone else to make a choice for me, then I don't have to own up to the consequences... and then I end up resenting myself because as it turns out, I knew the right choice all along and I should have been the one calling the shots in my life. I think I have to be confident enough to say I want to be my own person... and sometimes that scares me to death...That's okay.
I say this because on the blessed day that I took this photo...I was able to conquer one of my fears...or something I have come to dread, personally which sets me back. It is a very very small thing and it might sound all too ridiculous to all of you really but the truth is (and I have to come out and admit this-) I am very self-conscious. I've always been afraid to pose in front of people (especially while taking blog photos) because I just hate it when people are staring at me... it makes me feel like a specimen everyone is examine on a P-3 dish. It is actually quite silly and ridiculous, considering I am a fashion blogger but I guess there is some strange comfort in just privately taking photos. Posting these photos publicly has never been an issue of mine. Taking them in such a public place, however and doing all my weird fashion poses is an entirely different thing to me. I know it sounds weird but what can I say? I am a different breed of awkward person. I know you guys don't get me. Heck, I don't even get where this all stems from really and I have been talking about how silly and downright ridiculous this self-consciousness is to my FOSSIL, Dominique. I know that she gets me. But being someone who never just settles for admitting my flaws, I knew something had to be done about it and so on this sunny day that I wore this outfit, I bravely got out of the car, asked my driver to park the car and had my Yaya Armi take photos of me out on the street, not caring who was passing by. I don't know what got into me that made me do it- maybe it was an illusion of safety that my anchor-themed ensemble set for me since I felt I had a safety net- but I felt that I no longer wanted to succumb to my weakness and that I needed to conquer it. In the end, I realized, how ultimately silly I was for being self-conscious as I ended up enjoying the process. I have nothing to regret. As Anna Dostoevsky said, "From a timid, shy girl I had become a woman of resolute character who could no longer be frightened by the struggle with troubles." I owned it.
I used to think that for the most part fear is nothing but an illusion and that when you share it with someone else it tends to disappear. I have heard that over and over again being said to me. But the ideas that I hold in can become so toxic that they begin to feed on themselves. In my busyness, I think that I can perhaps store them away to dwell on and have little or no awareness at all that I am doing it. I think ultimately these become illusions that end up running my life. I have long known the magic of talking. When I am angry about something, the moment I say I am angry, almost magically, the feelings slowly go away and I am faced with a different reality, which of course, I have to deal with. I think the same goes for fear. When I am afraid and when I am finally ready to admit that I am afraid, I find myself shifting to another reality. It is not that I wasn't really afraid because I was. But when I give the feeling words, the fear changes. This shift is one of the magical processes about speaking about how we feel. No one knows why this shift occurs and yet it does. We can secrete our feelings and cause them to fester and grow or we can share them with someone we trust, for instance, I shared it to my soul sister, and I realized talking was good and sharing my fears was good... after that... all I needed to do was to be prepared for the shift...
Looking back at the very liberating experience made me realize that our fear confines our souls in the daily holocausts of silent existence. Our fear is real. My fear was real...it was palpable. I knew that I felt it. But as Audre Lorde put it, "While we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us." Our silence about the issues that matter to us thunders in our heads and bodies and the canyons of our inner beings resound with our unspoken ideas and perceptions. The thing with fear is that we must learn to honor it (acceptance is only the first step,) and then move through it. We cannot deny it, and if we resign ourselves to waiting "for that final luxury of fearlessness," we will we realize too little too late that all our waiting was in vain. To become fixated in our fear is comparable to creeping in to that choking silence that devours our soul. It is draining. I wouldn't force anyone to make noise just to avoid that as I believe no person must speak when they are not ready. I respect other people in their silence. Fear is real for me and for other people and I will honor it. But I do not need to live my life out of it. And so when we learn to face our fears and go and conquer those places we have come to fear the most, we may finally finally hear our voice.
To relate this to my look... I have this new-found obsession with anchors since being little old self absorbed yet self conscious me (can you see the glaring contradictions?) I realized that it is a cute illustration of my initials J.L. (try to picture how that looks like an anchor...it does now doesn't it? I realized that when I was walking around the mall and saw how this luxury watch brand Jaeger-LeCoutre had an anchor for their logo and I thought how applicable that was for me. Since then I have been fascinated by anchors and being all nautical even if I am always the first to admit that I cannot handle sailing away as I would probably just get sea-sick. Nonetheless, the obsession continues. Maybe because anchors somehow represent control and stability... something I always liked but have to struggle against to avoid stagnation. I loved how I was able to wear this ensemble and match the colors well (mustard yellow and blue are always a great combination for me!) and I loved the mocked preppy-ness of the shirt spelling SOCIALITE but with the letters all facing the wrong directions. It was rebellious and comfortable...and appropriately me. I loved wearing it! Looking at all the small anchors in my pants, I wondered that perhaps "Fear is like an anchor that is holding us back," and that maybe the best thing to do is to let go of our fears and run after them, not against them... and if we do, perhaps we would find a glimpse of the person we want to be, the person we always were.
Cropped Preppy SOCIALITE Sweater: Zara | Mustard Yellow and Navy Blue Anchor Printed Jeggings: Iconoclast Line by Domz and JL | White Cotton Tanktop: Mango | Blue Cabas Chyc Bag: Saint Laurent | Wedge Shoes with Woven Heels: Topshop (given to me by my cousin Nica) | Leather Anchor Strap: Mia Casa | Blue Aviator Sunglasses: Topshop
By the way: Dominique Tiu or Konichiwear.com also known as my FOSSIL (First and Only Soul Sister-In-Law) and I had finally decided to join accounts on ask.fm. She finally agreed to be open to answering certain questions for her so it is now a joint venture. Officially, the domain http://www.ask.fm/joannaladrido is officially the Ask site for Domz and me. So feel free to drop by and ask us for any advice.
No drama please.
Summer is all about choices.
And this summer, MANILA SUNDANCE BAZAAR throws away the regular tent setup as it partners with MMFTA to give you one most unique dining experience.
Experience something new this summer with MANILA SUNDANCE BAZAAR happening March 21 - 23, 2014 at Metrotent, Ortigas, 11AM - 10 PM. 100PHP entrance fee only!
Domz and I will be seeing you there that weekend and we all cannot wait!
PS: Don't forget the HASHTAGS:
And Follow on IG:
MSB IG Account: @ManilaSundance
MMFTA IG Account: @themmfta