Standing in the flames...And it's a beautiful kind of pain

 

Red Knit Long-sleeved Sweater with Stud Details: Zara  | Cropped Super Skin Denim Jeans in White: Mango | Leather and Knit Deconstructed Lapel Jacket: Jhajing Fashion | Ruby Earrings: Miladay Jewelers | Thin Strapped Metalic Gold Ankle Strap Sandals: Zara | Deauville Canvas Monogram  Bag: Louis Vuitton | Hamsa Beaded Bracelets: Therapy | Gold and Red Bangle: Cultus Chi Chi | Thin Bib Necklace: Ever New

I can feel the heat rising
Everything is on fire
Today's a painful reminder of why
We can only get brighter
The further you put it behind ya
And right now I'm on the inside
Looking out, cause
I'm standing in the flames
And it's a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find a light, find a light, find a light
Standing in the flames
And it's a beautiful kind of pain
Setting fire to yesterday
Find a light, find a light, find a light

Yesterday was the tornado warning, today is like the morning after
Your world is torn in half.
You wake and let's wait to start the morning process
Rebuilding and you're still a work in progress.
Today is a whole new chapter, it's like an enormous ass.
The thunderstorm has passed ya.
Your weather didn't poke his eyes out with the thorn bush that you used to smell the roses.
Stopped to inhale, can't even tell your nose is stuffed.
So focused on the bright side.
Then you floor the gas pedal and hit the corner fast,
The more asserted, never looking back, may hit the curb,
But everyday is a new learning curve as you steer through life.
Sometimes you might not wanna swerve but you have to to avert a disaster.
Lucky, no permanent damage,
'Cause they hurt you so bad.
It's like they murdered your ass and threw dirt on your casket,
But you returned from the ashes.
And that hurt that you have, you just converted to gasoline,
And while you're burning the past, standing at inferno and chant

 So feel the fire beneath your feet
As you barely even perspire from the heat
Exhale deep and breathe a sigh of relief
And as you say goodbye to the grief
It's like watching the walls melt in your prison cell
But you've extinguished this living hell
Still a little piece of you dies, you scream
I feel the burn, watch the smoke as I turn rising,
A phoenix from the flames
I have learned, from fighting fights, that weren't mine
Not with fists, but with wings that I will fly

- Beautiful Pain, Eminem featuring Sia

I have always loved Sia, even before Titanium or Wild Ones, my sister who has exceptional taste in music has introduced me to her. Back in college, songs like Breathe Me and Numb, have been part of the songs in the soundtrack to my life. This is why I am quite happy that she is finally going mainstream and doing collaborations with famous artists because unlike some people, I believe talent, such as that of hers, deserves to be shared to the world. I think it's good she's getting mainstream and receiving all the attention like how she is now. She deserves to be renowned. Talent like that, I believes should be shared. I don't know why but most people get annoyed when Indie bands and their songs start playing on the radio because they think it will get to "pop," and I am certainly not that kind of person. Maybe I am more open and into sharing the good things. Selfishness was something I never really majored in. 

Speaking of sharing, allow me to share why recently, I have come to share more of myself than ever... I have been blogging almost everyday and I guess it is probably because this is an outlet for release. It is refreshing to have someone read your thoughts. I have been staying in the hospital and when visitors have left and all I have left with me is white noise, my Private Duty Nurse and quick WiFi, a girl's got to make it work as I go along. I've been wearing more casual and laid back outfits recently as I don't think I need a ballgown, layers of tulle and diamonds to take care of someone who is sick. My outfit choices have been comfortable but granted I am who I am, I refuse to compromise the stylish part. That's just how I am. So, a studded knit sweater and red,white and blue ensemble is as casual and laid back I can get. (And, yes. I was in high heels the entire day) I have to say, writing and sharing my thoughts has been refreshing in so many levels. It's is almost therapeutic and at the end of the day, there is something so refreshing about letting it all out- having no secrets to keep and being open about oneself. The thing with me is there is no big gap between who I am in real life and who I am as the person writing these entries. A double life, masks and playing roles were never exactly part of my skills set so I am brutally honest, and perhaps as real as it gets. Granted, my lack of a filtration system gets me into the occasional "tiff" but what can I do? I refuse to sacrifice my integrity just to appease people. I don't think I can live with myself if I do that.

I have been raised to tell the truth. I remember my mom always telling me that it is only when you tell the truth that you create the possibility of more truth around oneself. It was something that I never forgot. You see, honesty, much like the diseases we have come to fear the most, is contagious...just like dishonesty is contagious. The thing is: we need more honesty in the world. Many of us, myself included, have prided ourselves in being honest, We have always tried to be honest and believed we were. Indeed, it has been too frightening and disconcerting when I am told that I am being "too honest" or when I have been warned by people that I won't be able to get ahead if I insist on being "brutally honest." Slowly, people have come up to me suggesting I learn how to "compromise." People teach me to learn to say what is expected of me so as not to offend. I never really learned how to do that. You see, I think that succumbing to that, will make me lose touch with the awareness that I am being dishonest when I go ahead and agree to do or say something that I do not really feel right about doing or saying. Doing so, will make me not expect honesty from myself or from those around me. When I come to encounter the brutal truth: I don't want to be so caught up with lies for appearance's sake that I might be surprised and dumbfounded when I encounter it. The thing I realized is that if we want to heal (and truthfully, who doesn't?), we have to start getting honest with ourselves and others.Creating the possibility and avenue for more truth is up to each of us.

It is a painful reminder...and it's a beautiful kind of pain... 

 
 

xx, JL