Neutralize Me

 

I've been so obsessed with neutral tones recently that I am secretly praying you all don't find my outfits too bland or too boring. To explain, I am simply avoiding colors that are too bold and loud which may or may not have a subconscious component there. I have always said I am girl who loved sparks but recently, I guess I am finding myself drawing myself away from hostility and retreating to a more neutral place where there is no drama, no "he said-she said" blaming, no possibility where I have to make a decision on whose side I am on and other things being a girl who loves sparks has to deal with and face on a daily basis. My outfits recently are somehow indicative of how comfortable I am in just being and hopefully this is manifested in my outfit. I had a conversation with a friend two week ago regarding some dramatic instance in my life (and yes there is more than one) and all I had to say was "It's not like I like drama and stirring things up. I am so chill and I don't really want to deal with things na cause I get really drained. I JUST WANT TO BE CHILL AND PRETTY AND DRINK MY GREEN VEGGIE JUICE." I was of course trying to explain how I am into the whole conflict-avoidance school of thought. Naturally, since it was kind of a blonde moment (and I don't mean that to be a stereotype cause well, my hair really is blonde,) he told me that what I said was so funny, something I could only get away with when saying it and probably the most ditzy thing he has ever heard. Of course I didn't want to argue as I found my statement to be quite ridiculous too but I meant it but I could have probably worded it differently. You know what I mean. I am so happy to have made this proactive decision in my life because so far, things have been quiet yet fun and calm on my end and I could not ask for more... I just want to be.

In no way does that mean I am sweeping my problems and issues under the rug. It simply means that I have decided to take control over what problem and issues deserve to be called my problems and issues and which ones are not and can I just say, most of them don't. I have begun to focus instead in examining my life and looking for action. After all it was only myself who had the power to improve it. What I have learned may be a cliche but it is true: You have to focus on yourself first. You have to be driven by your own secret desires for yourself and not by your loneliness to yearn for someone else. I do still feel lucky because I am acutely aware of how amazing it is to deeply care and be cared about. Also, I have found a strange sense of comfort in knowing that no one knows anything, really. Now, I can see that there is no one moment in life when it all makes sense nor is there no marker that someone does know what the heck is going on and that having to money to enjoy the luxuries in life does not mean that you will feel complete and content. Answers do not come with age. Age simply provides perspective, but life was not designed with a specific point at which it definitely gets easier. It's up and down all the time for everyone. We are just doing our best... all of us...and that's okay.

Snakeskin Leather Padded Jacket: Wisdom | White Tanktop: Mango | Linen Trousers: Zara | Shoes: GoJane.com | Sunglasses: Charles and Keith | Bag: Givenchy Nightingale in Ostrich Leather

xx, JL