Let your words be anything but empty...

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

- Sara Bareilles, Brave

Again this outfit is more on the neutral and hum-drum style. I did warn you monotone was inevitable in my future posts. I can't help it though...my gloominess seems to manifest in my outfits...it's a channel for self-expression so even if I try to look my jolliest, a gray tank top and gray skinny jeans are the best I can do. I do have to say I deserve credit for adding some accessories in the form of two necklaces and for making my hair behave. I can't help it. Try as I may, it's not easy to pick out what to wear to a normal day out when I can't even pick myself up from the bed to go to face the said normal day. But that was then... this is now. I am better now... I think.

You have to be really close to someone to genuinely love them...so from the get-go, I think I make that quite a tough one for me. It really isn't intentional but time and experienced has proven why it makes perfect sense to keep my feelings guarded like a maximum-security prison. For instance, when meeting someone, I am often aloof and I am almost immediately guards up and hesitant to share anything except the basics (the kind of things you'll find off my basic Facebook profile, actually)- you will learn my name, what I do, my hobbies and my interests... and that's about it and it will probably take you more than a few run-ins to say you personally know me. I typically prefer not to discuss personal issues, family or (most important of all) those things that I hold close to my heart... and up to now, I can say that boyfriends have come and gone without getting to know what these are... I've reserved disclosure of that list to a very few people I fully trust. Chances are, you probably won't ever know about them...not even after a while. I have mastered the art of changing topics and coming up with more interesting and thought-provoking ones, deflecting issues, self-deprecation or using sarcasm that to the normal person might seem blatantly hilarious but is all really part of an uncontrollable urge of escaping an intimate and layered question thrown my way that requires my conscious effort to evade opening up to someone. But then slowly, through this channel, I can somehow openly talk about my random thoughts which has in so many ways been a rather therapeutic release. I don't mind having people take a long lingering look on how I look, what I am wearing or how I decided to wear my hair on a particular day. I always had a problem of letting people into what I feel and getting to share it in this aspect is marvelous!

You will face some kind of embarrassment for allowing yourself to be so trusting. You shouldn't be. Well actually, you can be embarrassed if you really want to because I don't want to tell you not to feel what you feel because feeling badly about feeling badly compounds every thing. So, if you are feeling embarrassed about how things went down and how naive you were, you can revel in it and lounge around it if you think that will help unpack all the layers of negative feelings. So if you are embarrassed right now, seize it. Live in it. Let it wash over you. But I want you to know that the embarrassment will be temporary and that is it universal and it is what you let it become. Throw it away. You will no longer have power to change what happened. You will no longer be able to change how things turned out- that is unless you have the gift of time travel. You cannot change what you did or what someone else did so you can only work with what you feel right now. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that everyone has made a social faux pas or thought and said something incorrect and stupid. EVERYONE. No one has just floated through life in a protective bubble of never slipping up or making an obvious mistake of putting all their chips in the wrong person.

I know at some point everybody has been betrayed. I am sure that everyone has come to experience having someone they trust take out the rug from under them. You see, getting royally screwed over by someone you trust/adore/care for/ invested in/ love is really a rite of passage in life and it is the most painful nail in the naivete coffin...but a necessary one. You cannot go through life and through this world thinking everyone has your best interests at heart... because (shocker)... they don't. There are people in this world whose sole purpose is to make you realize things you never wanted to figure out. No one is ready for this lesson and it can be, in so many way, the hardest one you are ever going to get. We enter this world wide open and ready for anything, ready to give anything to anyone who wants to do some taking. We believe that no one is going to hurt us, at least not deliberately, and we fail to realize how absolutely special and fleeting this belief actually is because almost immediately, you find yourself immediately realizing the complete opposite. We love the wrong people sometimes. We put our trust in people who would throw it away in a second...but guess what, that's okay. Even assholes serve a purpose. They are important to our development and we should actually thank them... but well maybe after some time, when we're no longer angry to the point that we want to rip them apart. The silver lining to having exposure to some people is that you can say this: "I appreciate you royally screwing me over. Now I know to watch out for myself! Talk to you...never!" Okay, you don't necessarily have to say it out loud in those exact same words but in all honesty, you can learn so much about yourself when you get betrayed. You grow up so much in an instant. Unfortunate things tend to have that effect on people.

But for all intents and purpose, I beg you that once you get over the black hole of your embarrassment, that you please learn to walk away from it picking up a thing or two about being brave. Be brave enough to know when to get out of a situation that feels comfortable uncomfortable. Be brave enough that you can leave someone or some form of love behind with absolutely no guarantees of ever finding something or someone else. It might not seem like such a brave thing to do but people love, the lose it and they have the good sense to move on (until whatever inner frustrations they have had been settled). You'll understand how brave you are when you take a look at how many people are in a loveless relationship that they would rather have something awful than nothing at all. You're brave if you don't bottle things up and make it seem like you are a ray of sunshine when you are crumbling on the inside...if you tell people you are currently going through something difficult and if you don't sprinkle a dash of glitter and rainbows just to make it more attractive. You know you are brave when you learn not to back down... even when so many people are giving you so much reasons as to why you should. The one thing that I find that makes the betrayal, the pain and the embarrassment worth it is that from those thing stem out one important thing that when you have it, you can never have anyone take anything away from you and that is CONVICTION. It is about being unapologetic about who you are and what you do and it is running out of f#@ks to give... I sometimes feel this is sometimes extinct in our society where in convenience is easier than conviction and to be honest, I find that troubling and terrifying. But remember, it is the brave ones who make this world more interesting. 

Show me how big your brave is...

As for me, I've managed to be brave enough to come out the other side a little bruised, a little broken but definitely stronger and braver. And I am finally starting to see things in color again...

 You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just want to see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongu Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Tank Top: Topshop | Faded Skinny Jeans: Zara | Citrine Crystal Necklace: Talbot's | Crystal Drop Statement Necklace: Ever New | Shoe: Alexander Wang | Bag: Fendi | Pearls and Watch: Mikimoto and Rolex

xx, JL