Because I'm Happy...In Stripes

I am enjoying the last few days of sun left before monsoon season starts and the chilly weather starts to fester. I am one who always loved the sun and the warmth and I think this was the perfect day to head out in this absolutely easy breezy outfit with a somewhat "nautical" feel. I am obsessed with everything nautical the reason being that since it'smealready.com (my self deprecating term to convey how absolutely head over heels I am with myself... and yes, I think I am "the one"), I realized to get an anchor tattoo at the back of my ear. Not because I refuse to sink, but that's a nice metaphor. Since I am literal, I got this tattoo simply because my initials "JL" seem like an anchor when joined together... so come to think of it, perhaps I did take my self-absorption to the next level. After all, I am singe and if anything, this is the best time to rediscover myself and dedicate my focus on me. When I started doing that, I figured there were so many reasons to love myself and that nothing is wrong with that as long as your self-love doesn't inflict pain on other people. So if you are willing, allow me to teach you how to fall in love with yourself.

Neutralize Me

 

I've been so obsessed with neutral tones recently that I am secretly praying you all don't find my outfits too bland or too boring. To explain, I am simply avoiding colors that are too bold and loud which may or may not have a subconscious component there. I have always said I am girl who loved sparks but recently, I guess I am finding myself drawing myself away from hostility and retreating to a more neutral place where there is no drama, no "he said-she said" blaming, no possibility where I have to make a decision on whose side I am on and other things being a girl who loves sparks has to deal with and face on a daily basis. My outfits recently are somehow indicative of how comfortable I am in just being and hopefully this is manifested in my outfit. I had a conversation with a friend two week ago regarding some dramatic instance in my life (and yes there is more than one) and all I had to say was "It's not like I like drama and stirring things up. I am so chill and I don't really want to deal with things na cause I get really drained. I JUST WANT TO BE CHILL AND PRETTY AND DRINK MY GREEN VEGGIE JUICE." I was of course trying to explain how I am into the whole conflict-avoidance school of thought. Naturally, since it was kind of a blonde moment (and I don't mean that to be a stereotype cause well, my hair really is blonde,) he told me that what I said was so funny, something I could only get away with when saying it and probably the most ditzy thing he has ever heard. Of course I didn't want to argue as I found my statement to be quite ridiculous too but I meant it but I could have probably worded it differently. You know what I mean. I am so happy to have made this proactive decision in my life because so far, things have been quiet yet fun and calm on my end and I could not ask for more... I just want to be.

Midnight Blue

Here is a definitive break from all the denim and pants I have been wearing lately. I needed it- I was getting a bit too comfortable in my denims that drastic measures had to be taken. So for this decision, I decided to wear my cotton Zara cropped top and checkered Origami skort (which was kind of loose by the way- something I cannot understand as I have been eating like a truck driver recently.) Of course the outfit revolved around the bag... as I am debuting my midnight blue snakeskin Givenchy Lucrezia which I had to really scrimp and work hard for. It was just to pretty to resist and the shape, the strap, the leather and most of all- the color was absolute perfection and I am happy I got to wear it. I paired it with ankle strap pointed shoes to make the look more mature. Unfortunately, the outfit was not quite suited for the weather as it rained that day but I enjoyed wearing it nonetheless.

Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

I find myself embracing the casual and very laid back look recently... and it isn't because I am too lazy to function and think of what to wear but because I find blue jeans to be practical and so easy to wear. I know, I know... seeing me in pants used to be an exception but it has managed to become the norm with me. Maybe I am growing up and becoming more practical or maybe and most probably I am simply in a phase and some kind or rebellion that I've developed quite the liking for this look. After all, growing up means liking yourself more and more. I have been with myself long enough to feel comfortable in my own skin... no matter what I am wearing. Self-respect can be something that is innate but it can also develop with age. The awful things I allowed people to make me believe and assume when I was younger now make me cringe. But at least I am no longer letting them do it. The same applies for relationships- I am sure we all equated relationships with mind games, manipulation, and experiencing insane highs and lows. Growing up, however, makes me realize also means letting only good people into my life and letting healthy relationships happen.

...And Justice For All

All dressed up for a very important day. I decided to suit it up in my new favorite tones- neutrals and this time, I did it in pinstriped gray, black and white. The outfit was tailored to perfection as I had wanted it to be and I was absolutely into the whole putting my best foot forward thing. I must say I have been dressing up in soft neutral tones, androgynous themes and in structured pieces... Is it safe to say my fashion choices and way of dressing is in a sense... growing up? Hmm. Well to begin with, I am after all 27, which I have to say is the most awkward age ever because I'm in the middle of being 25 and 30 and that's not always a good place to be in. I am all about extremes and hate being in the middle and that is exactly what this age is proving out to be for me. I think we have all had our fair share in terms of struggling with our identities and the meaning of our existence. 

Ripped Boyfriend Jeans

I've decided to put an interesting spin on things by wearing this cream on ripped boyfriend denim jeans ensemble together. It was a great risk to wear something as rugged then contrast it with something more elegant which goes for the case of my denim jean bottoms and my rather elegant and classic top and blazer. What can I say? I love contrasts and I don't care. If anything I have learned that there is  great sense of liberty that can be derived for sticking by your choices... no matter what other people think. All I care is what I think and I thing I felt pretty good in this look.

Light Years

Now here is a bit of color as a break to my standard "neutral looks" for my most recent blog posts. The day I chose this outfit, I was having one of those "best moments" type of days and I can't quite explain how it came to be except that when I wore this I was feeling quite happy... almost like I was back. Almost. The weird thing about those feel good best moments is that most of the time, they are remixed worst moments. I don't quite think there is a guide to it really and there sure aren't any directions to make them happy since they just sort of happen by themselves really and they happen exactly when you need them to. It all really depends on your frame of mind, actually- like for instance: you can be having the absolute worst moment of your life so far (I always say "so far" because I always think life always has more...) and during this said moment, you are feeling as worthless as possible because you are lonely or friendless or desolate and basically flung too far out into the universe; or, you can be doing exactly the same thing but this time feeling centered, peaceful, fortunate and capable, and it's a totally different thing. That's when you know you're having a Best Moment. 

Candy In The Sun

No more baby-oiled skin. No more sprinklers. No more applying of sunscreen a tenfold to avoid the unavoidable burns. No one to protect me from the sun. No more hopscotch, jump rope, no more dampened beer-sweaty skin rubbing off on me because the party was thatpackedsosweatandbeerolliding was inevitable. There was more worry over bodies in swimsuits, what's see-through and what's padded and other "whats's" you've never conceived of in summers past. That's the difference or dare I say it, the "toll" growing up creates. My summer was different because the scent of tobacco won't stain my smoke-free lungs and virgin fingertips (I now know how to inhale), I will no longer take my first shot of anything and wonder if I am supposed to enjoy it (I know how to call shotgun and chase dreams and drinks), I've become more aware of my body and who shouldn't be looking at it and I readily accepted all the things that glow and sweat and shine. I now even know how to cut pants into short shorts and tank tops into midriff baring cropped tops. I think after ten years of the same old dance in paradise also known as Boracay, I find that I am experienced in summer in ever sense of the world...So yeah, my summer was different this year.

Forces of Nature

Summer has officially ended in my country and along comes a new season. I am not a fan of the rainy weather. To sum up what I feel about this monsoon rains and typhoon: put me in a cold situation and I am not a happy girl. But of course, I have to make do. I have mentioned that I am back to basics and have been wearing quite neutral outfits because I am not in the mood to think too much of what I have to wear... and what better way to pull that off than to pull off a bohemian Misty Day inspired outfit. I didn't want to be boring in another all cream outfit again so I added on a Victorian printed kimono cover-up which changed things a bit... if anything, I think it made my outfit more appropriate for the season and magically, I blended in with the Persian rugs drying out in my house then.

Let your words be anything but empty...

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

- Sara Bareilles, Brave

Again this outfit is more on the neutral and hum-drum style. I did warn you monotone was inevitable in my future posts. I can't help it though...my gloominess seems to manifest in my outfits...it's a channel for self-expression so even if I try to look my jolliest, a gray tank top and gray skinny jeans are the best I can do. I do have to say I deserve credit for adding some accessories in the form of two necklaces and for making my hair behave. I can't help it. Try as I may, it's not easy to pick out what to wear to a normal day out when I can't even pick myself up from the bed to go to face the said normal day. But that was then... this is now. I am better now... I think.

You have to be really close to someone to genuinely love them...so from the get-go, I think I make that quite a tough one for me. It really isn't intentional but time and experienced has proven why it makes perfect sense to keep my feelings guarded like a maximum-security prison. For instance, when meeting someone, I am often aloof and I am almost immediately guards up and hesitant to share anything except the basics (the kind of things you'll find off my basic Facebook profile, actually)- you will learn my name, what I do, my hobbies and my interests... and that's about it and it will probably take you more than a few run-ins to say you personally know me. I typically prefer not to discuss personal issues, family or (most important of all) those things that I hold close to my heart... and up to now, I can say that boyfriends have come and gone without getting to know what these are... I've reserved disclosure of that list to a very few people I fully trust. Chances are, you probably won't ever know about them...not even after a while. I have mastered the art of changing topics and coming up with more interesting and thought-provoking ones, deflecting issues, self-deprecation or using sarcasm that to the normal person might seem blatantly hilarious but is all really part of an uncontrollable urge of escaping an intimate and layered question thrown my way that requires my conscious effort to evade opening up to someone. But then slowly, through this channel, I can somehow openly talk about my random thoughts which has in so many ways been a rather therapeutic release. I don't mind having people take a long lingering look on how I look, what I am wearing or how I decided to wear my hair on a particular day. I always had a problem of letting people into what I feel and getting to share it in this aspect is marvelous!

Sweet Disposition

“Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself. Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes they catch you.” 

- Francesca Lia Block, Necklace of Kisses

I Fell Apart And Got Back Up Again.

It took me 24 hours, a week, a month... who knows? I didn't really keep track... all I know is that when I fell, I immediately tried my best to get back up again... it was a slow process...I don't know if I am back standing or back to how I was but I do know for sure I am so far officially up from the floor. That's the thing about falling down... the challenge is to get back up and wait for the next thing that is going to knock you down. This, unfortunately, is the cycle of life and what matters is that the number of times you get back up must be much more than the times you fall... that's the formula to survival. Always pick yourself up, if anything.

Life Wasted

“This is what I know. Don't settle for 40, 50, or even 80 percent. A relationship-it shouldn't be too small or too tight or even a little scratchy. It shouldn't take up space in your closet out of guilty conscience or convenience or a moment of desire. Do you hear me? It should be perfect for you. It should be lasting. Wait. Wait for 100 percent.”

- Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

First of all, allow me to apologize for the rather monotone color scheme of clothing I have been sporting the past few days. It didn't hit me until I wore color today that I've been wearing black and white a lot in the past posts and a lot more in the next posts to come. My doctor was the one who noticed it because along with my colorful outfit, he saw that I was living life in technicolor again rather than in just black or white, which was how I saw things until I decided to bounce back and pick myself up from all this mess and decide to keep going. This is probably my most casual outfit as of yet- black tank top, ripped jeans and black pumps... you cannot go wrong with this outfit. It's one of those safety net outfits for when you want to just throw something on without having to over think. Besides, I love these ripped jeans so much, I want to wear them forever.

If there is one thing I have learned from every relationship I have had... (well the most recent actually most of all)... it would be this: Don't settle. I have come to understand how I shouldn't accept a significant other who doesn't make an effort or who regularly treats me like crap. At some point, I learned the hard way that you will know when the bad outweighs the good, when the arguing is overwhelming, the lies are mounting and you're basically headed for nowhere fast. Looking back, my mistake is that I saw those things that bothered me in the relationship but for a number of reasons that I tried to justify my partner's behavior, I decided to turn my head and look the other way... ignoring these character flaws completely just to avoid an argument or some kind of altercation. Since hindsight is always 20/20, I acknowledge that I refused to address problems and I allowed them to basically pile up until eventually a hefty amount of emotional damage accumulates and you don't just know how to deal or where to even begin the fixing. In many ways, I think I lost myself in the process and this time, I took a long look at myself and I realized that who I see and what I feel about myself is far more important than what everyone thinks. I mean think about it- if we do not value ourselves...we sure as heck can't expect other people to. It's nice when for instance people will get to see my shiny, diamond in the roughness... but this is all pointless if my self-esteem is shot and my confidence- non-existent. So I find that I am ending up covering my real inner beauty instead of putting it on full display and well, that often leads to taking whatever you can get... scraps and recycled goods or in other words: we end up settling.

Fade In-Out

“But we all want to be together – we want to be a part of something. That in trying to be accepted, wanting to be, I guess, equal to each other – that’s where we fall down, that’s where we end up needing to be saved.” 

-Kim Culbertson, The Liberation of Max McTrue

 I wore this cream on cream ensemble on a routine hospital visit which is characterized by making rounds to my many doctor's clinics and having all my check-ups. This was on the 20th, the so-called "D-Day" (also known as the Dumped Day) and to purge myself of the relationship and everything that had to do with it, I just had to wear a neutral and clean outfit. When in doubt, classic and clean with a bit of neurosis always works. I was quite surprised I was able to still pull an outfit together and more so, wear something that made sense since I felt like my bed was swallowing me whole and literally it all came crashing with no warning, no tell-tale signs...no nothing... just a tsunami that just slams on to you. It was all so very dire and sad but now on to better things...

I have been raised in a traditional way- ever since I was young, I was made to believe that I should achieve. It was like an unwritten and unsaid thing but it was something you understand from the get-go. This is probably why I decided to go to a university where a double degree so I can study my passion- Psychology and at the same time have a Marketing Management degree...since a Corporate job was more or less what I was expected to do. I decided to go against better judgment and instead pursue the former. It isn't that I suck at math and numbers... actually quite the opposite happened because the obsessive compulsive in me found comfort in a clean spread sheet and in balancing numbers... liability versus assets. The opportunity cost and the fact that everything was so very exact appealed to me. But I always knew that working a corporate job wasn't exactly for me. I am sure all of you know this- but getting an important position in a good company is an exacting feat...so I've heard. I am sure many of you have worked long and hard to get where you are and it is because of this hard work that you are proud of your achievements...I mean...rightfully so.

Lovestruck

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

-When Harry Met Sally

So I wore this Lovestruck dress (similar to what Leighton Meester wore for the Vera Wang Lovestruck advertisement- that one where she was on top of a fire escape acting all cute and pretty...)...I'll link the video below... Anyway, I always make it a point to dress up whenever I am attending a wedding, simply because I value the commitment it takes to declare your love and loyalty and enter a sacrament so precious and binding. To have that for ourselves... I would say that while we may not all want it but let's all be honest here...most of us do right? Whether it is just a simple ceremony or the whole Puffy White Dress package, I would want to believe that it would be safe to say that for most (again not all) women, when they have found a person that they want to share their lives with- making it legal and more importantly, sealing it in the eyes of God becomes a step they find  themselves wanting to take. It may not have or ever have been a conscious goal, one might probably have been one of those eye rolling "I'm never getting married" types but then they meet a person who probably changed their minds. The pressure to marry in this society has steadily eased up and I am no stranger to encountering the common arguments people say as to why they have decided not to marry or just simply because they want to take a dig on the institution that I so firmly believe in. "Marriage just doesn't mean anything anymore." "What do we have to prove?" or "People get married for fear or for obligation." and the list goes on and on. These may seem like pretty legitimate and reasonable ideas...to them. But my personal value of marriage is simply not cheapened because someone else does not believe it. I am lucky enough to say that I know a lot of couples who have been together for a long time and I am glad I have so many of them in my life. Most of them have told me that commitment  and loyalty is not something that you just decide on when you are 26 and want to settle down- because for them, being on their partner's team is something that's decided and worked on every single day as both parties in the relationship evolve... for no other reason than because they love each other enough to honor their promises and to be there even when it gets difficult. This just does not mean that there are no indiscretions that could merit the breaking of the promise... simply, it means that the promise is something they want in their lives to begin with...something they would want consider every day. I would like to think that when beginning to simulate any relationship, everyone has this in mind... unfortunately that is not always the case.  For most of us, when we find that person and we feel that love that just swallows us whole and we want to entangle our lives so completely with somebody else's- I would like to sumise we will find ourselves wanting to make it "OFFICIAL."