Sometimes In The Fall

Knit Sweater: Forever 21 | Inner Button Down Shirt: Zara | Tight Fit Cotton Leggings in Camel: Zara | Cabas Chyc Bag: YSL | Glasses: Ray Ban | Lace Tie Up Booties: Trunk Show

A little bit more preppy than my usual looks but you know me, I love to mix it up. I was going for the school girl look on a rainy day and somehow ended up more preppy and geek chic, which was fine with me, to be honest. Not everyone knows this: I am a nerd. I guess the whole party girl persona was just a facade but even when I was into events and promoting back in college, I made sure I never slacked on my academic duties. I made it my goal in my first term in my first year college to graduate Summa Cum Laude and that was one dream I knew I had to fulfill... against all odds. To those who don't know, I have always prided myself for working and studying at the same time in college. Granted all the late nights and the stressful schedule caused me to lose a significant amount of my body weight, there was always just a certain rush of adrenaline to see my dream turn into reality and I guess that gave me enough energy to balance things out. I would promote events and get all dressed up at least 3x a week and go clubbing... people would see me clutching on my vodka-cranberry, dancing and having the time of my life. What people didn't see was me bringing out my laptop to work on a term paper in the middle of a DJ's set at 1:30 am, any club's peak and busiest hours. I also would always be holding a stack of papers people assumed was my guest list... The reality was these were my reviewers. Until now, I cannot imagine how I was able to do it but I guess when you set a goal for yourself, it kind of sets the field. I mastered the art of making it seem I was having the time of my life while in my head, I was memorizing theories and formulas. I take pride in my work ethic because I know everything I commit myself to fully, I also immerse myself in. It was always 110% or nothing for me. I guess that goes to say that a few people can achieve a CGPA of 3.98 whilst reaching their one million peso mark in earnings at a tender age of 21. I was able to do that because I dreamed big and worked hard for it and while some people take pride for their *insert profanity here* hard work to get to where they are (despite having about less that $10,000 in savings to their name), I think that at the end of the day, what one person can take pride in is their ability to reap results for all the effort they have exerted. One does not need to point out and make it a big deal how much they had to work... those who truly did, do not need to, because their efforts reap results and actual proof - these I think beat the hell out of stating it over and over and over again. This is why I trust myself enough to know that whatever life throws at me, or whatever path I am rerouted to, I can make it. I've been through the worst and survived. 

Girls must encourage themselves to go on (after college) and to make a life plan. While most of the time life does not turn out as planned, it helps to have some things set to work for. I believe that girls with this kind of commitment are less eager to rush into early marriage... myself included. Of course, while I do plan to get married eventually (I am only turning 27 on February), I believe I can only make a commitment such as that when I have exhausted all I can and worked at everything I have going on for me... perhaps on a more mature basis. You see, the marriage I plan to have is not an escape but rather that of a commitment shared by two people that have already become and done their part to their commitment to themselves and to society. I don't and refuse to make it a means to an end.

The thing is, we don't know much about healthy relationships in this society. Too often, we look to relationships and regard them as an external fix. We expect them to give us our identity and to make our lives all right. When someone does this, I've realized, we bring no one in the relationship... certainly not our true selves. The result: we end up becoming like jello, and we expect our partner to give us form by means of a relationship. Thus, using that same logic, without the external mold of a relationship, the jello dissolves into puddle. Who wants to be with or ever even can relate to a puddle of jello? Certainly not me. I think I've created my own mold and shaped myself accordingly. 

The goal ultimately is this: as with every commitment, when I want to be in a relationship, I have to and want to bring someone to it... me.

xx, JL