Breaking The Girl

"You wear yourself out in the pursuit of wealth or love or freedom, you do everything to gain some right, and once it's gained, you take no pleasure in it." 

-Oriana Fallaci

Sometimes, we forget what's important. We struggle so long to establish ourselves that we have become addicted to the struggle. We begin to think that if we are not struggling, we are not alive. In fact, the excitement and intensity of struggle become our focus, so that we forget our original goal. Personally, I have stopped struggling for a very long time. A common misconception people have is that I blog to gain popularity or status... many times, detractors even use this against me, thinking I would feel bad about it. I don't. For me, blogging was never about popularity. Back in 2007, I started a blog and I didn't really expect to "earn" from it. Actually, it was more of a way to document and share what I wore on a day to day basis. In no way did I think of the perks and benefits that came along with it because back then, it didn't exist yet. I just did it because I was passionate about dressing up and thought that I could somehow put it out there... whether someone else bothered enough to click and browse through it, well, was something that never really was the main goal in what I did. Whenever people ask me about ranking and statistics, I always answer that I honestly do not know as I never bothered with it. I have always been passionate about fashion, randomly sharing my thoughts on certain things and I love dressing up and this is something I have been so protective of. Ultimately, I always wanted my objective to remain the same and I would like to think that I have maintained it for the past 7 years I have been documenting my outfits.

As always, controversy, personal attacks and drama come along with the job and I have long since accepted that. Putting yourself out there so publicly makes you more susceptible to being a target and I always charged that as being part of the job. I have always been open to people who comment on how unflattering my outfit is, how stick thin I am, that an outfit I wore on a certain day seems ridiculous, how I made the inappropriate outfit choice... as I said, I never really expected everyone to agree with what I wanted to wear... and well, that's fine. I even let other things slide when it comes to commentaries on my physical appearance, like when people say, my face is bloated and puffy, how I got a nose job and a complete facial procedure done, I have bad skin, I have bruises and scars all over my body, that my knees are so dark, how my hair is thinning or unhealthy, how ultimately ugly I would look without makeup (to be honest, I don't think I don't...), how I am 'pike' or knock-kneed, how I have thunder thighs and so much more. Even a simple weight gain or loss of 3 lbs. seems to be something people are so sensitive about. While I can always argue that I am not a beauty blogger and that I am not a fitness blogger, I know that these are considerable things that can be said about me since apparently, fashion blogging goes beyond just the clothes you wear but involves the overall and complete appearance of yourself. So, I guess, I have to just accept those and not make much of it. I can't change the way I walk or how my things are shaped, but people can scrutinize those, if they want to. It's a free country. As I have said, I gave up on struggling against such things a long time ago.

However, when the attacks become more personal and involve my family and loved ones, I can't help but fight. I hate the controversy and how people make up things that have nothing to do about fashion or blogging and THAT- I cannot and will not ever learn to accept. I can be targeted about my physical characteristics and I'd just laugh about it but when things are brought up about the people I love and something more foul, about my ailments, I fight back. It just is way past what I signed up for and I don't think that these are none of other people's business. I've blogged about how easy it is for me to let go of people as I am cut throat, and I think that because I am such, it becomes so easy to lash out and to make public such personal matters, some of which I know I only confided to certain people. If anything, it proves my point that it was indeed the right decision to remove these toxic people from my life. However, I don't think there is no exception for poking fun at someone's physiological ailments and the issue or life or death- and this applies to every human being, no matter who they are or what they do. I think this is just plain cruelty and viciousness. Fighting against these attacks is a continuous battle, really.

As for the issue of popularity, I have to say: to hell with it. I have released a statement regarding this issue but allow me to add some more things:  It is a common commentary that people ask me why I'm not as famous as ______ when it comes to blogging when I have been in the industry longer and started earlier. Allow me to clarify: I blog because I love clothes and dressing up and sharing this to the public, in general. While I applaud fellow bloggers who are famous and have managed to gain popularity and social standing, I don't feel bad if I do not. For all I know, I might just be posting things out there which no one reads (which I am sure is not the case naman) and I will continue to post because I like it. As I said, the only competition I involve myself in is that against myself so if anything, blog statistics and views are things that I have never wanted to compete for with anyone. My goal when it comes to this blog is not to social climb, jump start a career in entertainment or to earn money. I have a career and my own business, I am an introvert, extremely shy when it comes to people I have never met and probably antisocial anyway so I am very private when it comes to the social scene and I know how to make money on my own. I also know I can afford to buy the things I want to wear and post. Whatever I wear or put on myself is something I am proud to wear and something I believe in... I don't and won't accept monetary compensation to promote something or post about something in Instagram or Twitter because if I am sent something I absolutely love and want to promote and wear, I will, without any fee. I won't just sell out like that. I believe in integrity as a measure of character and not popularity so it's okay if I'm not as famous as "whoever you want to compare me with". I am happy for people who have achieved the status they have when it comes to blogging because I think it is a good way to promote the industry and the talent and artistry people have when it comes to fashion, especially in this country and more so when it comes to worldwide arena. I support that and I am proud of those people's achievements. As for me, I am loving my life and I am living it the way I want to, and just sharing it with whoever is interested. 

There is no doubt that as bloggers, sharing a tidbit of yourself publicly, we have all had to struggle individually and as a group. However, if we become like those against whom we struggle, we may find that we have lost ourselves in the process. Sometimes... we have to struggle...sometimes not. The issue is not the intensity and depth of the struggle; the issue is who we are as we engage in it. As for me, I am just having fun with it and being as real as possible as I go along.

Aztec Bustier Top: Boosteeyay | Acid Wash Denim Jumper: Forever21 | Ethnic Design Woven Sling Body Bag: A'postrophe | Hot Pink Wayfarer Sunnies: Ray Ban | Bracelets and Layered Silver Necklaces: Cultus Chi Chi | Studded Black Combat Boots: Zara