Today Was A Fairytale

I wanted to find something of the beauty of myth that we’ve left behind, carry its shreds before us all, so we could acknowledge it, somehow bring it back to life. I wanted to delve back into that world that cradled us when we were young enough to still touch it, when trolls lived under creek bridges, faeries fluttered under mushroom caps, and the Tooth Fairy only came once you were truly sleeping. I wanted to see if enchantment was somehow still there, simply waiting to be reached. When I felt my loss, I realized that if I could do anything in this life, I wanted to travel the world, searching for those who were still awake in that old dream time, and listen to their stories – because I had to know that there were grownups out there who still believed that life could be magical.
And in that moment I decided: I am going to find the faeries... and write my own fairytales.

Before the noche buena festivities commence, I would like to wish everyone: A Merry Christmas. Granted Christmas Eve is such a big deal in our country, I am sure everyone is excited to have a fun-filled night until morning with loved ones. I think the ability to reconnect is one of the best things about the Yuletide season and I do hope you spend this opportunity well. You see, once you get older, the holidays become more of a chore rather than a cause for celebration. I get it... we all have responsibilities now and we were already told Santa doesn't exist and that it really was our parents who are stuffing our Christmas socks after all. That's the thing about growing up--- we find out the reality of things that we used to marvel at and believe so intensely. This is the reason why I find people who manage to see the magic in everyday life and continues to be enchanted absolutely fascinating. It's a hard knock life but having hope is something to revel at. Not everyone is like that anymore... maybe except for a selected few. As jaded as I think I tend to be, one thing I still do believe in magical things and that's how I choose to be. Enchantment lies in everyday moments if you are observant and if you are willing to write down your own tales. It's quite simple really... for my case. for example, all I have to do is to find the beauty in the mundane things... and even simpler yet, all I have to do is wear an dreamy ensemble that spells "QUEEN" all over it... this gown is an example of that. After all, an enchanted day is only enchanted if we ourselves believe that anything is possible.

Blank Space

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.

Sometimes, you just need to be alone and I have absolutely no problem with that. I actually love that... and I think that it's okay to be that way. Contrary to popular belief, it does not mean that something is wrong with you or in your life. You see, sometimes, you simply need to create the space to soul search, think, rest and just BE. I don't think you need to apologize for needing or taking this space. At the end of the day, it is part of what makes you a happy healthy person. The thing I realized is that you can't always keep on dealing with people every second... There are times that you have got to stand alone...if for anything- just to find out how damn strong you are...even if it is longer than expected. For an introvert like me, that comes easy... I thrive on this scenario. However, not everyone is like me and if you fall into the other category and are an extrovert, this is something that would be very hard to do. I have seen it all too often and I have to admit that I have been guilty as well of creating distractions just so I don't have to face my problem...and simply sweep it under the rug. I mean ultimately, isn't that the easiest route to go through? Denial? After facing problems heads on, gun blazing... it came to a point that I just got really tired and burnt out. At some point, I wasn't even quite sure anymore what I was fighting for anymore and that was when I decided that what I needed was some time in a beautiful place to clear my head. I also believe that sometimes, the best way to appreciate something is to be without it for awhile. Clarity, peace, serenity are very important things to find...don't you think?

Break-Up Birkin

I had no idea it would be this much. 

I had no idea I could handle it.

I had no idea how beautiful it all actually is.

A lot of people have been commenting on how my aura is radiating of positivity recently and though I hadn't really done anything drastic, I don't know why this has been the main compliment I have been getting from people...Not that I am complaining. I don't actually know how to describe it except for the fact that I have decided to be unapologetically myself and when I decided to be that, there was no further decision to make... everything fell into place. You see, a lot of us tend to take this for granted but incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't. So where do I begin? To start off, I can't force people to love me or to even like me as I have no control over how people perceive things. However, I do have control on the fact that I can make space for those who matter and who appreciate me for who I am and for the mere fact that there are people who support me in the highs and the lows of my life mean so much to me. I considered myself blessed... and on that Sunday... I was truly enchanted to meet some of you. I never really expected that people would approach me and ask for my signature or a photo with me and be so happy with the mere fact they finally got to meet me. It wasn't exactly on my mind when I signed up on publicly sharing my thoughts and photos online but it fascinates me that there are people who read my ramblings and my stories and can relate and learn from it. It gives me so much satisfaction to know that. And it surprises me how much people actually know about me and can notice such minor things like how I changed my hair color or how I have a boo-boo on my left arm and how I feel and if I am handling the demise of a relationship well. The thing is, I always thought that whenever I type random things in this blog, I was just sending it out to the universe...it never actually really occurred to me that so many people read what I say and what I wear or what I am going through and actually remember it. It is such a big deal to me, seriously... you have no idea.

The Happiness In Her Eyes

My only goal in life right now is to be happy. Genuinely, intensely and consistently happy, regardless of what that looks like to others...

 

It's Christmas time! I love everything about this season...probably because everyone seems to be jolly and happy and generous...and also because people are at that point where they are settling old scores and trying to close cycles in preparation for the New Year. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year! Aside from the festivities, one of my most favorite things about the Christmas season is the gifts. I love the gifts. Now, not to sound materialistic or something, because the gifts I mean are those that you can't purchase in a store or those that have monetary value. I've been raised in a loving family where the most fascinating and most important gifts are those that you don't have to buy and I think that personally, I prefer it that way. I am not one of those people who appreciate something expensive or costly to be given to me to make me happy... I think I am a more simple and practical person where effort is more appreciated over the cost. After all, if you are the kind of person who can have anything you want, what you want are the things that money can't buy and this actually requires more energy than having to go to a mall and buying something and paying for it at a counter. Now what gifts am I referring to? It can be anything from a simple smile, an apology from someone you had animosity towards (and a reconciliation), having good and unforgettable memories with people that will last a lifetime or perhaps being given another chance to make things right. I find those gifts more fascinating... don't you think?

Anchor Yourself To Something Special

Everything changed the day she figured out that there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life.

I have been on this one woman mission of reinvention ever since the middle of the year, when I woke up and realized that somehow... my life didn't make sense to me the way I needed it to. I had matching tattoos done on the left side of my ribcage with my sister Katie with the word 'evolve' and it is the single one tattoo I don't think I will ever regret because I consider myself forever changing and evolving into more of me. It is very easy to get brainwashed by the standard set for me by the society but somehow I managed to break free... (Cue in this year's very meaningful Halloween costume) There are exactly 17 days left in this year's calendar. I am thankful. I found myself this year... not realizing how lost I was. Currently, I find myself so free that even if someone put me in cuffs, I'd still feel my freedom. I find comfort in being comforting. I think at one point, I got lost in the trend of keeping up with the trends until one day, I decided that I was the trend and that I should only be keeping up with was myself. The past years, I think I have been laying my foundation on something weak and shaky... like relationships and other people but I think I have somehow transitioned. Another meaningful tattoo that I got was behind my left ear and it is an anchor which is of significance for two reasons: (1) since my initials "JL" put together resemble an anchor so much, it might as well be my own sigil and (2) because despite how many reasons are thrown at me, I refuse to sink. Life's toughest storms the strength of our anchors... and I think mine has proven to be tough enough as it has been put to the test so many times.

What Boyfriend?

No boyfriend? No problems.

I was walking around some bazaars and saw a number of statement shirts with that caption and laughed. While I am happy for all my friends who are blissfully in relationships, personally, I don't think that would work out for me... For now. As I have said multiple times, I am currently happily single and I don't think I want to change that as of the moment. It's refreshing actually to not even be dating right now because there is just no pressure, no drama, no tiffs... And I love it that way. At some point, I think I got tired of all the effort it required and all the issues involved- the main one would be my independence and refusal to inform my significant other of everything I do. I find that prerequisite taxing, actually. Probably because I am not techie or that I forget that I have to and that I seriously forget that I even have a phone in the first place...but that's always how I've been and it's so hard to change that. Trust me when I say I've tried and failed many times.  

Made To Love

You haven't seen strength until you witness a woman who continues on after being hurt, smiles after being hurt and still remains hopeful even though at times it hurts. You almost can't tell that she's in pain because the way she wears her smile from day to day is symbolic of the strength that only lives within a Queen. You have not seen real strength until you've seen her.

I don't know what it is but I somehow find it odd that I love being decked out in gowns and long dresses... almost like I was born in the wrong era. To be quite frank, I love wearing fancy formal dresses more than I love wearing normal "everyday" clothes which somehow gives me validation that I was indeed probably born in the wrong time period. Now, as I have high respect for situational dressing, as much as I love gowns... it would be quite inappropriate to wear them while running errands, going to work and on a daily basis. That would just be off. However, there are formal occasions that beg for long dresses, pomp and circumstance... one of said occasions include a wedding... which hopefully by now, you are well oriented enough to know how much I love attending them.

Nude Awakening

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”

I used to be such a control freak that every step was carefully planned, every outfit was thought of in advance and I refused to be caught off guard. The thing with being that way is that the sad but unavoidable reality that in life, you are never in control and to assume you are, simply opens you up for major disappointment. I came, I controlled (or tried) and I failed and got a harsh lesson and now I am just going with the flow and taking life as it is. I still crave for control (that's just me and I can't control it---okay for lack of a better term to use...) but now I know when to sit back and relax and let things unfold  before me without having to intervene. I simply trust the vibes I get... because at the end of the day, energy doesn't lie. As for being on top of everything, the rude awakening that one never can be and the sooner you accept that, the better as you strip yourself off the pretense (as comforting as the illusion of having control is) and then you're left to deal with yourself in rawest and purest form possible... that kind of explains my title on nude awakenings...because believe it or not... being stripped off all the false pretenses that somehow reassure you or lull you into a false sense of security is what one needs.

Lucky Strike

Today I wondered why my eyelashes aren't thick enough and why my feet aren't small enough. Then it hit me. Why do we take these insignificant things like millimeters on lashes and shoe boxes and then try to fit ourselves into those stupid molds? Why do I take the beauty that is me, and measure it up to a shoe size? A length of hair on my eyes? Am I not the more wonderful creation, far more great than those stupid things? Why do we take ourselves and desecrate ourselves daily? Pushing ourselves into cubicles because we think we are supposed to fit into them? Are we ice cubes? And suddenly I just don't understand the inadequacies anymore! Because they're not even inadequacies, at all! I will laugh and be beautiful.

Swing Out Sister

It's been a week long absence from posting because 1.)  schedule has been off the hook and 2.) there was no internet at home, my mom managed to survive through my ordeal by getting my postpaid tattoo and I consumed too much data and as per the Fair Usage Policy, I was using up too much bandwidth that my internet had to be slower to give a chance to others. For the Internet thing- I have to say that Dominique's cute but menacing cat, Kenzo was to blame as he chewed off the wire which took forever to fix and restore. Now as much as I love blogging, you see, I love living beings more so I spared Kenzo the rage blackout (not that he would understand why I was mad) and decided to just be. I was way too busy with work anyway and in my down time, I was actually able to do other things that I probably would unot have been able to had there been Internet as I would probably be too busy glued to the computer screen and browsing through sites and meandering. I thought I would not have survived all those days but it was actually refreshing as I got to read books, goof up with people (well, that I do with or without Internet so it doesn't really count actually) and of course actually bond and get to talk to people without having to multitask. I have a really difficult time compartmentalizing which is a debilitating side effect of my OCD so now that I had all the time not using the Internet, I got to concentrate on other things. A lot of freak accidents have happened the past days that I had to check if Mercury was in retrograde but apparently, it wasn't and there are just times that bad things happen all at the same time. The difference between letting it get to you or not depends solely on how you react to the things happening to you and rather than sulk, scowl and complain endlessly, I decided to go the road less traveled and used the time to be productive and it was good. I used the time to get to think up ideas and things (the one where I decided to have a cotton candy and popcorn in my booth in BU8 being one of them...but let's save that for another blog post!). It was all about your reaction to things that dictate how it will affect you and I am happy with how I was able to turn a dire situation into something positive. My, my. Is it just me or have I seriously changed so much? I like how I am responding to things in such a zen-like manner so let all the good juju flow. I need that a lot this December!